i never asked to be saved [r], mortal instruments - Seren

[Serendipity]

He may have run away, as Alec had so kindly kept reminding him with his many persistent phone calls over the coming weeks, but the memories still haunted him and he had failed to escape what he’d been running from. Alec and the others wouldn’t understand so he never told them and simply let them think that he did not care for the blonde as they thought he did. But he thought about her every single day and it had taken everything he had not to go rushing back to her once Isabelle had informed him four days after Audrina’s ordeal that she was awake and still a Shadowhunter. He hurt for her, and could only imagine what she must be going through now that she was awake, he wanted to be there to comfort her through the pain and loss but there was something keeping him away -- his own fear of her rejection and it didn’t matter how much pain twisted in his heart as he fought to keep away it was that fear that would always stop him.

Travis would often call and the only reason Eli kept answering, apart from the fact that he was his brother after all, was because Travis was the only one who didn’t try and talk him into returning to Manhattan and he never spoke a word of the blonde. He was grateful for that, although Travis might actually not understand why his brother was being so stubborn about this, he had mind to let him alone and leave it up to Eli to return when and if he wanted to. The two brothers spoke of trivial things, the weather in Alicante and Queens, Eli asked how the restaurant was progressing and Travis asked how their old home was coming along with all the patch up jobs Eli was doing. It would have been nice to see his brother, but given that he was now a Downworlder and the change was still so fresh for the Clave neither of the two bothered requesting a visit as it would most likely be rejected anyway.

There were days that Eli didn’t get out of bed, because what was the point of it? He was simply going through the motions the majority of the time. He’d get up, shower away the sweat and nightmares he often had still, eat breakfast, find something to fix and fix it, eat lunch, find something else to fix, chop wood for the fireplace, either have dinner or skip dinner depending on his mood by then and then head upstairs to his parents old room. Then it would all go the same way the next day if he chose to even get up. It had taken him weeks but he now felt comfortable sleeping in it, and it was not not only their old room but his as also and he felt a little closer to them in a way. He had carefully packed away their old things and clothes, only leaving a few pictures and special trinkets out to remember them by. It was the same for the entire house as Eli was slowly making it his own, as it had been left to him in the first place.

The weather had turned bad that afternoon, a month after he had come home, and the rain and cold set in for the long haul he guessed. He had just managed to beat it inside after his usual gathering of the firewood in the afternoons, it was a great way for him to burn off some pent up energy and frustrations and usually tired him out just enough for bed. He was just dusting off his hands onto the back of his jeans after piling the pieces of wood he’d chopped neatly next to the fireplace he had stoked and burning nicely when the unfamiliar sound of the knocker at the front door rang in his ears. No one had visited him as he barely knew anyone in Alicante since he’d been away for all these years so it was with a little caution that he made his way to the front door and cracked it open just a bit.

He expected to see Jace or Isabelle, or even Alec and maybe even a member of the Clave come to scold him for some wrong doing he’d been involved in (there had been a lot of those over the years). He never expected the sight that beheld him as he cracked open the door and peeked out. For a moment his heart stopped, and sure that he must be seeing things he had to blink several times to be certain that the soaking wet figure standing on his doorstep was who he thought it was. Audrina. He’d also stopped breathing it seemed as his lungs began to burn for air after a while of staring at her, his feature blank of any emotions because he was uncertain of how he should be feeling at this point.

Finally he, discreetly, took air into his lungs to breathe again and slowly opened the door a little wider so neither of them were hiding behind it. Eli had to stop himself from reaching out to her as merely seeing her filled him with both relief that she was still alive and pleasure at just seeing her again soaked or not soaked. He should have invited her in straight away out of the rain but he wasn’t quite thinking straight and was far too busy trying to control his own emotions than being courteous.

The warmth he did feel grow in his heart after a month of cold was quickly prevented as he told himself there were a many number of reasons why she might be here and none of those were to return any of the same feelings he felt for her and he’d merely be putting himself through more pain by just the simple hope of it. So he didn’t hope for anything from her.

“You’re in Alicante.” Were the only words that came from him as he tried to comprehend exactly what she was doing on his doorstep.

My heart breaks in a heart beat
And you storm me when you come and go
The taste of something so sweet should have
Warned me 'bout the undertow

[Yunalesca]

She felt trapped in her own mind as she waited for him to answer the door. She didn't know what to expect from him and all she could remember now was how she had so ruthlessly treated him. She had allowed her mind to lie to itself on her way here. She let herself believe he would rip open the door and take her up like he had in the past. But now she was remembering how she had cast him out and continually pushed him away at the be best of her mothers controlling voice. She didn't know if she could tellhjim about it or if it would even be enough for him. She didn't know if he would believe her if she did. They may live in a world of demons and Warlocks, but being controlled by a Vampire for all that time sounded almost ludicrous even to herse!f. Of course this was all dependent on if he even opened the door.

They hadn't seen one another for over a month and she had been nearly dead with two Downworld viruses infecting her when he left. Maybe he would see it was her while gazing down from a window above and choose he wished to wash his hands of her. Clearly she had to be Shadowhunter if she were at his doorstep, but maybe she was part something else as well. Maybe he would see her and recall how she had pushed him to final!y state he would leave her alone. This could have all been a waste of time and effort, but that little part of her that was still alive clung to a glimmer of hope. She would never know if she walked away now before giving either of them a chance.

When the door cracked she felt her heart jump, though nothing reflected on her face. She had felt too dead inside to have expression for anyone. The only thing she tapped into now as she waited was patience and the will to not run. She had run for so much of her life that it was hard not to now even as she was almost there. She didn't dare to imagine what he thought as he looked at her from behind his door. She just stood there with her tired face as her feet had turned to lead once more. She would not run. Not now. She would never survive another day if she didn't give herself this chance.

When the door did finally open and Eli revealed himself she estopped breathing while her eyes rose slowly up to his. The rain dripped off the end of her hair and threatened to blind her, but she could barely blink as she took him in. She was aware her grey eyes held nothing but haunting feelings and death, but she felt warmth in seeing him again. A weight that had been pressing on her chest and threatening to kill her was lightening little by little in just being close once more. When he spoke she allowed herself to breathe and swallow the lump in her throat that had prevented her from speaking for so long.

"Travis gave me directions," she said just above the sound of the cold rain pattering against the ground and walkway to the door of his home. It felt so strange to hear her own voice in her ears again. It sounded emotionless and dead even to herself. She had experienced so much trauma that it killed much of what had made her the girl Eli knew before she had pushed him away. She wanted to tear her eyes away and she felt herself tensing to back away. She had never been more vulnerable in her life despite the mountain of walls she had put up. The thing was, those walls were to protect herself from what she had done and not to protect from those who may hurt her.

With iron will she made herself breathe and stay there on his doorstep instead of severing the tie and turning away. "I..." She started,but stopped as she felt a pain run through her chest as she felt herself become exposed and unwittingly vulnerable to the stabbing from her own psyche. She could feel the realization she had murdered her family hit her again as she was momentarily unprotected from her own thoughts. You're evil, don't murder him, too her own voice warned as her eyes dropped and her brows furrowed in pain. I need him more than ever she fought back and made herself look at him with oceans of pain reflected in her eyes. She shouldn't push him away now, even as she was more exposed than she ever had been before. "I came to Alicante for you. You understand this pain growing in my chest, you know loss. You understand what I feel and won't judge me for it..." She started, her voice quiet and wavering as she felt pain shooting through her. She felt the threat of breaking down looming over her, but she still had pride inside her somewhere and couldnt let him see this as she stood at his doorstep. All her nerve endings were open for him to see as it felt hard to breathe. "I had nowhere else to go." She whispered and bit back the sob that wanted to come out. It was the most she had spoken in over a month and it was the most honest she had been in far longer. She couldn't say anything else without crying and she wouldn't let him see that. She wouldn't let that rule his decision now. She wanted to reach out to him, but she remained a stone statue at his door even as her core was quaking. She was terrified and lowered her eyes to hide that but of herself.

You can feel the light start to tremble,
Washing what you know out to sea.
You can see your life out of the window tonight.
If I lose myself tonight,
It’ll be by your side.

[Serendipity]

Travis gave me directions.

Of course he had, Eli thought and felt like rolling his eyes, but his younger brother was not there to witness it anyway. His brother might not have bugged him about his feelings for Audrina or that she needed him after everything she had gone through, but clearly he had just been waiting for the right moment to interfere. He couldn't be angry at Travis however, his brother was only looking out for him in his own way and if Audrina was looking for him it must have been important otherwise knowing her she would just stay away.

Eli found himself standing in the doorway searching her smoky greys not for signs that she was still purely a shadowhunter but for anything, any sign of emotion at all. That was his first mistake. There was an entire ocean of emotion flooding those eyes that had haunted his sleep for the last month. He saw her pain and the suffering she must be feeling over the knowledge that she had ended the life of her own mother and the last family member she'd had left. Those eyes reflected all the traumas she had endured, all the heartache and a vulnerability he had never seen from her before and all he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms and never let anything or anyone else hurt her again.

It was incredibly difficult to just stand there watching the waves of emotion in her eyes and not come crashing down from everything he had worked so hard for that meant he could forget her. But somehow, miraculously, he didn't give in. She had yet to explain why she was on his doorstep and what she wanted from him and he couldn't go jumping to conclusions. Letting her back into his heart so quickly would be dangerous. Once before he would never have allowed her to stand outside in the rain for so long but he was reluctant to let her inside and reveal another part of himself and his life she may well be here to reject, permanently.

When Audrina began to speak he felt himself holding his breath expecting to hear the worst come from her mouth. He had wondered in the time he’d been away if she was angry at him for not allowing her to die alongside her mother, or for asking his brother to bite her and infect his virus into her. So he was expecting her to tell him just how much she resented him for helping the others keep her alive. Eli’s brow arched just slightly as she had started to say something then stopped, whatever it was she wanted to say to him it was difficult to get out and that sparked his curiosity...and his hope. For a split second when she didn’t continue straight away he thought she was on the verge of turning foot and running, but the courage he always knew was deep down inside her buried under all that devastation shone through and she kept her ground. He couldn’t help but feeling just a little proud of her for that as he stood, still observing her in silence trying to keep his expression stoic.

I came to Alicante for you.

They were not the words he thought he would hear coming from her lips, nor the rest of the sentence she spoke. Honestly, he was a little dumbfounded; was she truly admitting that she needed him although she had not said those words exactly, he thought he heard a hint of it in her voice and reflect in her expression. “I’ve never judged you.” Eli found himself speaking without realising it since he hadn’t thought he could form words in that moment. His heart broke just a little more, the pieces becoming mere fragments threatening to dissolve into nothing. He hated seeing this vulnerability from her and the torment in her eyes was agony on his soul, it chipped away at his reserve.

He couldn’t believe that they had kicked her out of the Institute and felt that she had left on her own accord though perhaps it was because she didn’t think she belonged there anymore. “Come in.” He said the reluctance he felt before about letting her inside had slipped some and it was becoming harder to allow her to continue standing out in the rain, he couldn’t be that harsh on her any longer. Eli stepped aside from the doorway and gently ushered her inside the warm house and out of the drizzling rain and cold. He was not yet about to open his heart completely to her again, at least not so easily this time, she had taught him to be cautious with it now although he desperately wanted to draw her into him, the want and need to kiss her was there too filtering in the background as it always was whenever he was around her. But he resisted those things.

“Sit by the fire, I’ll get you a towel and some dry clothes.” He directed automatically, shutting the door behind her after she eventually stepped through and pointed down the hall and to the right where the living room was located. “Unless you want a hot shower?” He asked on a second thought, she had been standing out in the cold and wet for an unnecessary amount of time on his part, and he did feel slightly guilty for it.

[Yunalesca]

She had to admit she wasn't sure what he would do after she spoke the truth and let him in just that little bit. Her mind was swimming with her own torments, but she was aware enough to read reluctance in his posture. She had wronged him enough times that he was apprehensive in letting her be close again. She, like him, wanted to reach out and wrap herself in him. It was something she knew she could not do, however. He may not be so receptive to her sudden want to feel human contact again and some part of her was trying to protect herself from outside pains. In the past he would never make a move to hurt her, but in her current fragility it may take the smallest of things to break her. Son with that in mind she remained still until he spoke and her chest constricted. I've never judged you came from him and she wrapped herself in it though it caused her pain; pain in remembering how she didn't deserve any measure of kindness from him. He couldn't understand that she hadn't been herself when she had cruelly pushed him away, but she couldn't bring herself to try and explain it either.

When he was finally offering her a spot at his warm hearth she almost sobbed, but somehow contained it. She had promised herself she would not cry in front of him if she could help it. The fact she knew she didn't deserve a thing from him would eat at her, but she knew no other defense against the haunting memories that were poison in her system. She was beyond grateful for him in that moment and didn't know how to voice it without crying. Maybe this was why she had barely spoken more than ten words in the last month. She was afraid her weakness would show and she was extremely weak after what she had done. She didn't know of she could talk about it with Eli, she was sure he would expect it, but she would take this a step at a time. She had yet to recover from the horror of what she'd done and only knew to live her life a moment at a time. She didn't know what her future would hold and if she tries to predict it she would break.

"Thank you," she managed to whisper with incredible control over her eemotions as she stepped in and didn't shy from his touch as she would have in the past. She had been so terrified of contact before yet now it brought her comfort as she has been without it for so long. She was feeling that she didn't want to be alone anymore even as she warred with herself over being undeserving of anything. It was something she felt she would have to work out on her own as Eli didn't need it on his shoulders as well.

She was timid and careful once she was inside, eyes flicking to each corner as though something would come at her. She knew he wouldn't let her in to harm her, but she was frightened by her own ghosts and was projecting. Shadows scared her and with good reason. She remembered how her mother and Judah had detached themselves from the dark while she removed her muddy boots to sit by the door, followed by her coat to hang on a hook so she wouldn't track water. If she were calmer she might have noticed the little details in the home, but at the moment she was still trapped in her head. She pulled at her sleeves and collar to cover her scars given to her by Downworlders, one being Eli's brother.

She almost jumped when he spoke, her ears used to silence and almost forgetting he was present. She turned her face to him as she considered what he said. Both options would bring her warmth, yet she felt herself shying from the fire. She looked to it now and remembered how her flesh had burned as she held onto her mother while she erupted into flame. Her eyes averted to her upturned palm, scarred from used runes, the outline prominent in her mind. "A shower would be best, if you don't mind." She said quietly after lowering her hand. She didn't know if he knew why she chose what she chose and she wasn't about to explain. She wasn't ready for so many confessions. Admitting to needing him was the most she could handle today. This was why she had come to him. All the time they had spent together he had never once pushed her for more. She felt safer here with him in comparison to being alone in her room in New York and analyzing what she had done. She would be her own downfall in that way.

[Serendipity]

The slightest touch and he wanted more, his fingers itched to grab a further hold of her and draw her into his embrace as they brushed over her arm as he ushered her inside and finally out of the rain. Eli resisted the temptation of course knowing full well that doing so would be a grave mistake, he could already see the jitty edge she held, a timidness he had never seen and he felt if he overstepped the boundaries even the tiniest bit she would break and this time there would be no fixing her. Her eyes moved around the entrance of his home as she removed her wet coat and hung it by the door alongside his favorite jacket. Eli was sure that she wasn’t only looking around out of curiosity but out of concern also that something may jump out at her if she weren’t careful. He doubted that she thought he would harm her and he didn’t take offence to her caution though it upset him that she had become this way.

There stood the woman he loved yet she wasn’t all of herself, not that she had been when he’d first done the falling but he had seen glimpses of who she could be if she let herself and tore down her walls. Now he saw...emptiness and fear and it tore at his heart strings making it virtually impossible to remain stoic towards her when all he wanted to do was take her in his arms and tell her it would all be okay and he would make it all better for her. However he wasn’t sure if he even could make it all better for her or even just a little better, and if she even wanted anyone to try.

Eli couldn’t help the frown that appeared over his lips as she adjusted her collar and sleeves self consciously reminding him that she had been bitten both by a vampire and a werewolf in the same night and the Were bite had been from his brother although with good reason unlike the bite she had received from her own mother. He quickly wiped the frown from his expression as she turned to look at him after his offer of two options to get her warm and dry, of course now that he thought about the first option he realised it might not have been the best suggestion. He too remembered the burns she’d had on her hands, and the many other wounds she’d acquired that night. He could still remember everything about that night and far too vividly than he would have liked.

Eli nodded once as Audrina chose the hot shower options and he silently gestured for her to follow him down the hall a bit and then up to the second level of the house, waiting a moment while she collected her messenger bag which had been under her wet coat but had managed to stay dry. He still didn’t know quite what to say to her yet; what was a good topic of discussion, what wouldn’t upset her or him for that matter and he felt for the moment that silence would be better anyway. “Towels are under the sink.” He pointed out softly after showing her into the guest bathroom and he made to turn to leave her to it but paused. “Take as long as you need.” Eli informed the blonde, not wanting her to feel like she needed to rush anything as it would also give him some time to collect himself.

He had honestly thought that he would never see her again and although it had hurt him everyday and he knew there could never be anyone else he would ever feel the same for he had slowly been starting to accept it and his urges to race back and see her had become less frequent. Now, seeing her, he felt incredibly overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions and he needed time to sort them all out before he spoke to her. “I’ll just be downstairs in the living room when you’re done.” He explained before she closed the door and he left her to shower in peace knowing he wasn’t hanging around outside the door.

While she showered he made a quick trip into the kitchen and found his mother's old tea pot and cups. He prepared tea for his guest, although it was not the peppermint version she liked as he had none, and set up the tray in the living room along with a plate of sandwiches in case she was hungry. It might have seemed like he was being very hospitable and he was always this way but in reality it was just something he could do to keep busy and keep his mind off of the fact that Audrina was in his home, and that she was here at all still confused him.

[Yunalesca]

After gathering her bag she followed Eli in a subservient manner, posture closed and frightened looking. It was entirely different from how she held herself before. She had always exuded confidence and a sense of regality when she walked. She acted as though she were invincible. Her run in with her mother proved that she clearly was not. She had been stabbed and bled by her own mother, but she had also taken more than that from her. Her confidence was blown and she was terrified of her own thoughts. She had demons eating her up from the inside and she didn’t know if she could talk to anyone about it. Surely Eli understood her pain in losing her only family, but he hadn’t killed his parents. She was a monster and felt this was something she should be dealing with on her own. She hardly deserved another’s sympathy.

When she was shown the bathroom she slid by him without making eye contact; she couldn’t look him in the eye as she thought of her black soul. She didn’t want him to see what would be reflected there. It was only after he spoke softly to her did she allow herself to turn and look at him. She whispered a subtle ‘thank you’ before the door was closed and locked. She had no doubts that Eli would leave her be while she showered, but there was always caution in her steps now. When his footsteps faded back down the stairs she turned the water on to a high heat, letting it run for a few moments before finally stepping in.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been under the burning spray before she finally emerged and dried herself with a towel from beneath the sink. She took her time doing so, feeling the bumpy scars at her neck for some time. Occasionally she would question whether it had all been real, then she would feel her scars to remind her it had been. She would carry them for the rest of her life. It was a reminder of what she had done and she deserved to be scarred for it. She had walked right into the trap lain for her and barely had the mind to do what she went to do near the end. She took a deep breath and separated herself from her memories as she drew leggings and a long grey sweater from her bag. She didn’t even remember what all she had grabbed from her room for clothing when she left, though she did know it had been only 3 sets. If she were invited to stay for a while she would likely have to go into Alicante and purchase more. If Eli changed his mind then she would have to figure it out from there.

By the time her socked feet hit the bottom stair she could smell tea steeping. She might have smiled if she permitted herself the little joys, but she had deprived herself of those the moment she woke from her nightmare. With a little less guarded posture than before she entered the living room, head poking in first to insure it was indeed the right room before the rest of her body followed. She lowered her bag carefully beside a chair before curling her body up in it, feet tucking up under her and arms crossing around her middle as she let herself look around the room. She could feel the life that had once occupied this room and how Eli seemed to have tried to bring some back to it. The fire was warm along with the colors. It was inviting and yet she felt so out of place. Once she was done she turned her eyes to Eli sitting not far from her. There was a silence on the air as neither of them were sure of who should start and with what. Before she might have never noticed it, but then she had been able to speak her mind.

Finally she cleared her throat softly and let her body relax into the chair as she felt a little safer. “You left something at the Institute, I thought you might want it back.” She said quietly before her hand was slipping into her bag and pulling out her father’s stele. She had found it one morning when she allowed herself to emerge from her room and walk around while everyone else slept. It had made her chest constrict as she was reminded that Eli had left without saying goodbye. She felt that dull throbbing now as she placed the instrument on the coffee table for him, watching him as she did so. “It was a gift. I want you to have it.” She explained gently before sitting back in the chair. She wasn’t sure where to proceed from here and did so with caution. She wasn’t ready to speak of the night she almost died, but she couldn’t imagine not speaking to Eli would do anyone any favors either.

She was quiet for a time afterwards, eyes lowered as she thought of what to say to him. Finally she decided to inform him of the going ons at the Institute, though she hadn’t been involved with any of it. “Alec and Isabelle’s mother is the new head of the Institute. Apparently they have a little brother they never spoke of..." She started, then stopped as she realized she would have to explain why Hodge had been removed. It wasn't painful for her anymore to admit why the elder had been taken away, sometimes she wished he had gone through with the memory erasing, but she remembered how angry Eli had been with Magnus after he had attempted the very same thing. She could feel the weight of her silence fill the room as she tried to figure a way to navigate what she had to say next. He may not react that way now, not after how you treated him her own voice whispered as she took a breath and nervously brought her eyes to his again.

"Jace went to the Clave after you left. Isabelle told me that Hodge wanted to take my memories. There are times I almost wish he did…” She ended quietly, choosing not to delve further into the topic. She was hardly searching for Eli’s sympathy and was hoping he didn’t see it as that. She chose to speak the truth to him no matter how harsh it sounded. After all she had done he deserved to hear something true of herself. She admitted she was weak and hurting from what had happened. If her memories were gone she might be stronger, might not have had to come to him in this bottomless pit of need.

[Serendipity]

Eli wasn't sure how long he sat on the opposite sofa from the one he left vacant for Audrina once she had finished with her shower but it was long enough to let his thoughts reflect on the last time they had spoken. He'd told her that he would make sure he was never in the same room as she was because she had told him how much she disliked people in her room, even him. His reason behind this wasn't because he'd been drinking and had made a rash decision, he had half sobered by the time she found him there and he'd had enough mind to think rationally. It had been the look in her eyes, those eyes he loved so much, she had looked at him with those eyes full of fear and uncertainty like for a moment she had thought he was capable of monstrous things towards her. That look had just about killed him inside and his heart had broken under that look and it was why Eli had to walk away as hard as it was, he just couldn't handle any more of those looks from her.

Harder still had been when he'd made the decision to walk away from her whilst she was in the infirmary at the institute not knowing whether she would live through the night. His heart would not only have broken if she hadn't made it through it would have felt like someone had torn it from his chest leaving him numb and empty, and full of pain forever. But he felt that the same thing would happen even if she did survive and woke up still looking at him like he was a monster and perhaps she would hate him even more for allowing his brothers bite, or that he had burned runes into her skin in a desperate attempt to revive her. So he had made the decision to walk before that hurt could catch up to him. Some might have said he was weak or selfish for it, for protecting what was left of himself after giving her so much of his heart although she had no idea he’d been doing just that. He didn't care what others might think of him for it because he had never taken too much notice of whether they approved of his actions or not.

Slowly he looked up as he sensed the blonde entering the room; peeking through the doorway at first to make sure she was in the right one. His blue eyes followed her, still guarded from emotion, as she came to sit on the seat opposite the coffee table between them and the tray of tea was on top waiting for her attention. She looked well refreshed from her shower and had dressed for comfort but her looks could be deceiving and it didn’t mean she was comfortable around him or in his home. Even with the time he’d had whilst she was in the shower he still didn’t know what to say or where to start, he felt like anything he said could trigger a bad reaction from her as he had a tendency to say the wrong thing around her.

Finally it was Audrina who spoke first after clearing the uncomfortableness from her throat and his gaze followed the movement of her hand as she reached into her bag whilst she spoke. He knew what she was referring to, he’d only left one thing at the Institute, a gift she had given him before things had turned sour between them and he felt it wasn’t appropriate to keep it. As she produced her father’s stele and placed it on the coffee table he felt her eyes on him, watching for his reaction but he gave nothing away before his gaze came back up to hers. “Thank you.” He said only not to be rude and start an argument, he still didn’t know how he felt about having it back and it was all going to depend on how this conversation went.

He didnt expect her to jump right into a conversation regarding the night she had slain her mother straight away, there would be small talk for a bit as they both became comfortable in each others presence again. Though he was still waiting for her to tell him off for something he’d done that he shouldn’t have. So when she started off explaining that there was a new head of the Institute that happened to be Alec and Isabelle’s mother he wasn’t surprised. He was only surprised that there was a new head of the Institute in replace of Hodge and it was a Lightwood, he wasn’t expecting that and sat forward in his seat out of curiosity; what had happened to Hodge? He needn’t ask the question as it must have reflected on his face because Audrina was quickly explaining the reason.

At discovering that Hodge had wanted to take away Audrina’s memories of that night Eli sat up straighter, fingers curling into the arms of his chair. Alec had wanted Magnus to do the same and Eli had threatened to kill the both of them for it, and that was before the protectiveness he felt towards her was increased by other feelings. So finding out Hodge wanted to do the same infuriated Eli, especially because the man was supposed to be looking out for them all and not wanting to harm them. “It’s best the Clave have him than me, he should never have suggested it, what the hell was he thinking.” Eli responded on a small growl slowly uncurling his fingers and saking his head as Audrina spoke of wishing he had taken her memories.

“Don’t say that. As painful as they are you need them to remind you of who you are and what you’ve been through. You might not think so now but remembering all of that will make you stronger. “ He tried to reassure her. It was what he believed because if it was so easy to remove painful memories wouldn’t everyone do it? He was sure they had a way of catching up to you and all at once might be too consuming for some, they may never recover, mentally, from such an onslaught.

Eli shook his head and took in a small breath, there was no point in getting worked up about an event that took place when he wasn’t there and that the person involved was already being punished for it. He was glad Audrina had told him and didn’t believe it was purely to receive sympathy from him but it was a topic they needed to move on from because if they were going to talk about anything else he couldn’t be feeling anger towards the other male as it may reflect in his reactions to further conversation. So he decided to go with a safer topic and because he was wondering what she planned on doing now that she was here.

“You’re staying here then?” He asked although it was more of a statement as his subconscious got the better of him, he might have decided to stay away from her before but now even though he didn’t want to admit it to himself he wanted her to stay. “Stay as long as you want.” He added before she could even say yes or no to his first question. There was still tension between them and there were still things he wasn’t sure whether they would or should discuss but it had become clear to him in the last few minutes that she wasn’t here to shout at him and tell him how angry she was for his decision to allow his brother to bite her.

[Yunalesca]

The brash anger in which he responded to her information actually surprised her and she was sure it reflected on her face. It was the first look she gave outside one of timid fear or the dead expression she had felt freeze onto her face once everything hit her and she broke under the pressure. She almost wished she could look stoic, a mask of emptiness she had adapted to in protection of herself, but she didn’t have the energy to hide it from him anymore. She hated him being able to see she was surprised he would still feel any sort of protectiveness for her. She had come here on a whim that he would still care, though she never expected him to. She was almost scared to think of what may go through his mind after seeing her initial shock, though she didn’t have long to imagine it as he hit her with one more blow. Don’t say that, she heard and subtly took in a breath to stabilize herself as she felt herself wanting to shrink away. He was showing he cared without saying so much just as she had admitted to needing him without explicitly stating so. They were dancing in this circle of feelings and yet neither seemed to be sure of where they stood just yet. She could barely hear what more he said over the shock she was still feeling at his adamantly stating she needed every memory, bad or good. She was aware of the strength these awful things could bring her, but it was hard to agree fully with him when she felt so downtrodden and sorrowful.

She was beginning to think that maybe she should have stayed away, to spare him this look at the girl he felt for who was clearly not the same. But his voice broke her train of thought once more and she brought her gaze back into focus, looking to with eyes a little wider. “As the host I would state it is your choice on whether I go or stay. I may not have a home, but I haven’t had one for ten years. Travelling is nothing new to me.” She offered. She didn’t like the ball being in her court any longer. She wanted him to be making the decisions for the moment. It felt that all the decisions she had made since they met had always ended up with someone getting hurt.

She paused as she read his body language; stiff even as he appeared to be relaxed. The tension was thick even as she tried to ignore it and she wasn’t sure how to weave her way through it. She hadn’t spoken to anyone in a month so conversation was difficult for her to hold, not that she had been particularly good at it before Eli’s arrival. “They didn’t kick me out, if that’s your worry. Things were changing and I didn’t feel like I belonged so much anymore. The Institute had always been meant as a place to camp until…I was done with what I went to New York for.” She advised, trying to coolly step around the subject of her mother. She was fighting away the images that always arose whenever she even touched on the subject. She would not break in front of him. She would not seek for him to hold her like a child even though that was all she wanted in the world right at this moment. She averted her gaze and pulled her body a little more into itself as though she were cold. The room was warm thanks to the fire crackling in the hearth, but truthfully she felt cold inside ever since she woke from her drug induced sleep. It had nothing to do with the viruses she had carried while her body worked to cleanse her blood of it. It was her fear of her dead soul that had extinguished the fire that had kept her going.

“I was angry when I woke up. Isabelle explained what happened, but it was a lot for me to understand. You did the right thing,” she said, bringing her eyes to his before turning them away again. She was feeling the pain come back, waves mounting in her chest as her own mind begged for her to stop. He deserves to hear this, she fought back before taking a shaky breath. “I had no intention of surviving. I didn’t know if she’d kill me but I knew the fire would. I didn’t want to have to feel the emptiness again. I had no plan for ‘after’. It had almost concluded exactly as I planned, but I never imagined anyone would actually come to try and stop me.” She stopped for a second as her voice took on that far away sound, her mind pulling up the images that she could remember vividly. Little things like her blood smearing on the railing as she went down the stairs, Judah removing her coat, and her mother’s legs slowly coming into the light. She felt a wall go up quickly as she wouldn’t let herself see that face. It hadn’t really been her mother, not anymore, but seeing that face would break her all over again. When she had the strength to push away her pain she let herself look to him again. “I wasn’t even mad at what you did. I was just mad that I could feel. There’s no preparing for that. I knew that and that’s why I went down there to die.” She said more quietly as she felt a twinge of embarrassment that she wasn’t even strong enough to deal with her actions. And yet there was no manual informing one on how to deal with the death of their parent, the death on her own hands.

She felt weak all over again and ran a hand up her face before sinking it into her hair and twining her fingers around the platinum strands. She hated feeling the coldness in her soul, but she hated the white hot pain even more. Don’t do this, not now, she begged of herself before clinching her eyes closed, then opening them and unfolding herself from her protective position. She reached for the hot tea at last, pouring herself a cup in hopes it would calm her nerves as they seemed to have rapidly gone on the fritz. She hadn’t come here to have a manic episode in front of Eli. She had hoped she could contain it. Some part of herself was still alive and trying to keep him from seeing the true amount of pain she was feeling inside her. She wasn’t sure it was going to work as she drew the cup to her lips, the liquid rippling as her hands shook slightly. All the control she had possessed before seem to have dissipated with the blood she lost. She could feel that urge to run again, to get away before any more damage could be done, but she stayed put and made herself drink the tea he had made. Stepping away from him now would only further damage their strained relationship, whatever it was. “I’m sorry,” she whispered over the cup, though she couldn’t be sure it was for Eli or for herself.

[Serendipity]

Of course he was angry, she shouldn’t have looked so surprised that he had reacted the way he had towards Hodge’s actions. Yet he saw the surprise cross her face before she could hold it back and it just made him frown on the inside because there she went again proving to him that there time together obviously hadn’t meant much to her if she thought he didn’t care for her at all. He cared for her more than she knew, but even if he hadn’t fallen in love with her there still would have been some feelings of friendship there between them of that he was sure. Eli had to avert his gaze from hers so as not to show the sadness he felt at the little feelings she thought he had for her, he didn’t want her to see just how much he did feel for her if there was nothing in her that would return them because he would just be hurting himself.

His gaze returned to hers as she stated that he should be the one to make the decision of whether she stayed or went, and she was right he was the host and she probably felt she was overstepping boundaries by inviting herself to stay. It became clear then though that she wanted him to make these decisions, and a part of him wondered if it was because she had made such poor decisions in the past or if she just didn’t have the energy to argue with him over any decisions they both came up with. He nodded once so that she knew he understood but left his decision unspoken for the time being and allowed her to continue on to explain that she had left the Institute on her own accord and hadn’t been kicked out. He hadn’t thought that they would have kicked her out, they were a family there and whether she knew it or not she had become apart of that family. Eli just wished she could see that there were many people possibly shouldn’t care about her because of how she had distanced herself from them that did care about her and she didn’t have to live in this world alone.

He didn’t respond to this explanation feeling as though she still had more to say and he didn’t want to interrupt and possibly change her mind about saying what was on her mind. She might have wanted him to make the decision but he wanted her to do the talking and it was going to come down to what she said that would guide him in the decisions he made. Yes he wanted her to stay if only because it meant he could see her again but if he saw no hope for them, whether it was just a friendship or something more for his heart's sake he couldn’t let her stay. Whatever he thought was on her mind was not what he expected her to talk about, he had thought the events of that night were still too fresh with pain to talk about and she would locked them away to never speak of again.

Though here she was, explaining to him that although she was angry at first she thought he had done the right thing letting his brother bite her to fight off the vampire virus. As she continued explaining that she had never expected or wanted to survive, he got to his feet in one swift movement, his hands running through his hair. He hated hearing this from her, this talk of giving up her own life because she thought it was the only way to make things right. This kind of speak never went down well with him and memories of his own mother taking her own life flashed through his mind as he moved closer to the hearth feeling skin grow cold and needing its warmth. But as she kept speaking he couldn’t stand in the one spot, so he paced from the hearth to the window overlooking the driveway beyond. Eli paused between the two as she said she hadn’t thought anyone would come to try and stop her and pinned his blue eyes on her, feeling exasperation now warming his blood. “There’s no reason why we wouldn’t have come to stop you, and I’m sure they’d do it again.” He said evenly trying to swallow the ball of anger that threatened an outburst from him because he had thought it was so obvious that they cared enough for her to want to save her life.

Eli, still trying to keep his cool, moved back to the seat he had occupied before and slowly sat down again. Shouting at her so she could get it through her head that there were people who cared about her wasn’t going to do either of them any good so he focused on the fact that she felt like she could open up to him, there was some progress there and he should be focusing on that. “I may not ever understand why you felt like you couldn’t cope with the feelings that come after doing something like that but I did think you were stronger than that. I still think you’re stronger than that, I just wish you could see it too.” Eli finally said after a minute of silence while he got his own thoughts under control.

“You know my mother took her own life,” He said softly after she reached for some of the tea he had set out and murmured her ‘I’m sorry’. He wasn’t sure what she was sorry about, the fact that she had wanted to die that night or that she was still alive now speaking to him about it, however he was afraid to ask in case it was the former and may possibly mean those suicidal thoughts had not left her mind. “I’ll never agree with her decision or yours, and yes I am angry, and yes I think you're stronger than that shouldn’t have resorted to such measures but it doesn’t define you as a person and I will never judge you for it.” He told her and took a small breath in telling himself to relax afterwards because it was hard for him to talk about this topic even mildly.

“Tell me something...” He said again after allowing her a minute to soak in what he’d said though he wasn’t expecting a response from her, he just wanted her to know it. He almost stopped himself from continuing, his hesitation stemming from the fact that he may be revealing too much of his feelings when he should be keeping them guarded until he knew exactly how she felt; yet without this next question he may not ever know. “The way you looked at me that last time we saw each other, do you honestly believe I’m that monstrous?” He swallowed not sure if he truly wanted to know the answer even as he asked the question though this was what would aid in any decisions he made next.

He recalled the way she had looked at him that night, he hadn’t been able to get the image out of his head and the thought that she really did think that he was just a beast like Maddox horrified him. It had been eating away at him thinking that she thought he was capable of hurting her or anyone like that.

[Yunalesca]

She couldn’t help herself as she instinctually pressed herself into the back of the chair as though she wanted to become one with it, fingers curled tight around the teacup as she witnessed an anger roll over Eli while he paced. She couldn’t recall having seen him like this before, this animalistic part of him that walked up and down the room as though he were a caged animal. Her normal self might have egged him on or stood in his way just to see what he would dare to do, but this new, fearful, Audrina shrank back. Her spine was pressed firmly against the fabric of the chair and could go no further as her eyes guardedly followed him before he finally sat once more. His confidence in how she should be might have made her feel a little warmer, but presently it made her feel a little sick with herself. How could he believe in her after what she had done and how weak she had become? Her teeth pulled at the inside of her bottom lip before her gaze was brought back to him as he drew her attention. She held her breath while she waited for what it was he would ask of her, afraid to hear what it was he so desperately needed to know.

When it came out she felt herself draw another quick breath of air into her lungs, filling that little bit of space as she held onto it. She was afraid to exhale, afraid to do anything as she could only look at him. Eventually she swallowed and slowly released the toxic air from her lungs with a gentle exhale through her nose. “When I first met you, I would say I was sure of it. I could imagine you pawing at me like every other man I ever came across…” She started and saw a firm wall slam into place in his eyes, just like how she likely looked whenever he got too close to her. Still, she pressed on despite the fact she may have just lost him. “But now the answer is no, because I’d like to think I know who you really are.” She stopped again as she felt some part of herself warning her to protect herself. She was immensely vulnerable at this time and expressing anything further could damage her beyond repair, but if she weren’t truthful right this moment then she would lose him forever. That much she was sure of as she watched his expression. “You have to understand where I was coming from…and that I wasn’t myself. There were…things in my head that screamed you were every bit a monster as I imagined every man to be. When I couldn’t remember anything and I woke up next to you I had no choice in what voice I would listen to. I was terrified over what I might have done…” She felt herself take in a few sharp breaths as the first murmurs of a panic attack were grasping at her. Everything in her was saying she had to run now, but she wouldn’t let herself move from the chair she so firmly attached herself to. “I was terrified I would get you killed…And that was something I would never be able to live with.” She said the last part harshly, yet barely an audible whisper as her fingers curled into the chair to keep herself from running.

Her brows furrowed as she looked at him, pleading that he wouldn’t use this opportunity to hurt her. She felt like she had no shell, no skin on her body as she sat frozen before him. If he wanted to rip her heart out to present its blackness to her he could have right in that moment. There was nothing protecting her from torment or pain and it was the only way she could think of to make him see what she was so afraid to admit. She cared about him and yet couldn’t come out and say it directly. Her eyes were begging for him to understand before she couldn’t handle it any longer. She had given too much of herself this day and was overwhelmed with emotions she didn’t know how to control. “I need air,” she finally breathed with a choking sound before she was unfolding herself from the chair and turning away from him. If he came after her now she didn’t know what would happen or how much she could contain herself. She was right on the edge of a cliff and wasn’t ready for him to see her fall. She had bottled so much of her pain and fear that it was threatening to erupt now. She had thought she couldn’t cry anymore after all the nights she had spent doing so until her eyes burned and purple circles formed under them; however right at that moment she felt she could do so and she might never stop if she did. She cared about him and it in turn made her hurt beyond belief. The very second she thought she may be able to embrace a good emotion she was plagued with all the wrongs she had done and the people she had murdered to get where she was now. She had come here for him even knowing she didn’t deserve him. She admitted having feeling while knowing he would turn away if he ever knew the deeds she had done.

Gain control she heard some part of herself plea as she exited the living room and moved down the hall in search of some sanctuary, her mind begging that Eli wouldn’t follow. She had come all this way so she wouldn’t have to be alone and now it was all she craved. She felt naked without her walls and hadn’t the strength to rebuild them. She didn’t know what repercussions she was in for, just that she couldn’t handle a single one of them now regardless of whether they were bad or good. She found herself staggering into the kitchen and to the sink to splash cold water on her face in hopes that it would bring her from her shock. Her chest was tight and it was becoming increasingly hard to breathe as a vast array of emotions hit her. She had been numb for weeks and now within hours of being around Eli once more she was falling apart. Somehow he made her feel and she didn’t know which was worse; cold numbness or hot pain. How was she going to survive any of this? What have I done? she questioned of herself, reaching as far back as her sister’s death and feeling the same stabbing pain she’d felt when she held the girl in her arms. What have I done? she asked herself once more.

I don't deserve your love
But you give it to me anyway
Can't get enough
You're everything I need
And when I walk away
You take off running and come right after me
It's what you do
And I don't deserve you

[Serendipity]

If there was one thing he was sure, if he could be sure of anything at the moment it was that the walls Audrina had once hidden behind as though her life depended on it were gone and she was vulnerable in front of him now. He didn't know how he felt about that because it was a side he hadn't witnessed from her very much at all and it did pain him to see her in such a way. He had to remind himself to be careful with what he said and how he reacted around her at the moment as he sensed that she could easily break and there may be no repairing her. It was hard though to keep his thoughts to himself and hide away his immediate reactions to some of the things she had said, he had never been one to hide his feelings until he’d met her and it was even more important that he did so now. However there were just some things he just could not help, like the hard expression that quickly came over his expression as she began answering his question.

He couldn’t help but become rigid and a few of his own walls quickly slammed into place as he thought maybe this was the moment that she told him just how much he repulsed her and although she was grateful for his decision to get his brother to bite her she no longer wanted anything to do with him and he was just going to have to prepare himself to accept that as hard as it was going to be. Yet as she continued without him interrupting as he might have done in the past because he was hurt he felt himself relax just a little whilst she spoke. His only reactions to what she said next was to frown just slightly as he tried to make sense of what she was trying to explain to him. He wasn’t entirely sure what she meant when she explained to him that there were voices she had no choice but to listen to telling her that he was a bad guy and to keep away.

“Audrina, what do you mean about the voices? Who told you I would ever hurt you?” He asked as his confusion and curiosity got the best of him. She was talking just a little crazy now or so it seemed because there appeared to be something he didn’t know yet she wasn’t explaining herself properly and he didn’t understand. She wasn’t listening however as she tried to get everything she wanted to say out quickly so she didn’t lose her nerve, that was his guess anyway, and before he could ask her again she told him how she was terrified that she would get him killed. A glimmer of hope sparked inside his heart but he was left speechless because for her to admit even that was a huge step for her and he wasn’t expecting such a confession from her.

His silence may have been a mistake, he could only stare at her as he tried to make sense of what she was saying and also what she might mean by her last confession, and before he could respond properly with words she was hastily announcing that she needed some air and rose from her seat before he could stop her. The strength in her he had once seen was there deep deep down he was certain but at the moment it was gone and in its place was this frightened timid girl he was just getting to know and she was expressing feelings he had only hoped were possible, though in not so many words and it was no declaration of love but he didn't need that right now, all he needed was to know it was possible. Eli was happy just knowing there was at least a friendship between them after all they had gone through together. Although he would still be cautious and not push for more -- that ball was in her court for now.

His impulse decision was to follow her, to soothe the worries she had and tell her how he felt in hopes it would help the torment inside her if she knew he was there for her and would always be there. He got to his feet quickly in order to hurry after her, but something in the back of his mind told him to stop and let her go and so he did. Letting out the breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding he moved to stand in front of the fireplace again, his fingers delving into his hair before running down his face as he exhaled everything he’d been holding in.

His hearing heightened as he listened out for the sound of the front door opening and closing as she left but he never heard it and felt his muscles relax in the knowledge that she was still under his roof. When she finally decided she could face him again he would tell her that she could stay and for as long as she wanted. Whether they talked more or not would be up to her because he didn’t want to push, pushing her was what had gotten him in such a bind in the first place and she seemed so fragile at the moment he didn’t want to make matters worse.

I don't want to live without you
I can't live without you half the day, hey hey
I don't want to live without you
And put life off for another day, hey-hey yeah hey-hey yeah

[Yunalesca]

The time it took for her to regain her control and find an inner calm was unknown, though she may have guessed it took hours considering how the sky was beginning to darken further as she had the nerve to look out a window in the kitchen she had hidden herself in. She stood in front of the pane for some time, her hands still wrapped around the teacup she had held when she had walked out of the living room, though its contents had gone cold some time ago. She had clung to the porcelain like it were a lifeline even though it were inanimate and meant nothing to her. Frankly she just needed something to wrap her fingers around so she could feel some sort of anchor in her feelings. If she were transparent she was positive there would have been a hurricane of mixed feelings visible in her core. Once it finally settled she was immensely grateful that Eli hadn’t followed her as she was sure he would have in the past; she didn’t want him to see her in that state. She couldn’t say what she might have done if he had stepped in and asked her to speak more with him. She knew he was confused on why she chose the word ‘voices’, but if he pursued the matter directly after her escape she might have run from him for good. She felt crazy even as she knew her mother had been speaking to her in her mind. How could she ever explain that to him if she didn’t want to believe it herself?

At long last she stepped from the window and her musings, dumping the cold tea down the drain and gently placing the cup in the basin to be washed. She wasn’t yet ready to talk to Eli, but she very well couldn’t sleep in the kitchen either. As afraid and vulnerable as she was, she had to emerge from her temporary sanctuary and face him. Her hope was that he wouldn’t press for anything further. She didn’t know yet whether she would open up to him about that night, or anything else for that matter, but for now he would have to be satisfied with her admittance to wanting him near. She expected very little from him, but one thing she counted on was for him to remember how she shied away from direct questioning. If anything had grown stronger since her near death it was her adamancy for things being said on her own terms. The fact that the grief from the events was still overwhelming her was enough to make her hold her tongue even as some would say speaking about it would make her feel better. She had done a lot of bottling over the years and was afraid to let the floodgates open.

She found him as right where she’d left him, apparently waiting for her to have her time and reappear to him. She was cautious on her approach, posture being guarded and closed even as her eyes spoke another story of having her soul bared. She spent so much energy putting up walls within her mind to protect herself that she had nothing left to keep others from seeing what she felt. Eli had become quite intuitive when it came to her thoughts and she didn’t doubt he could read every single emotion now. She had hoped it would be enough to keep him from pushing and she was right. He gently led her to a room where she could sleep, not pressing for anything and leaving her to it once she lowered her bag to the floor next to the bedframe. The grieving part of her wanted to turn and ask him to stay with her like he had before, but the words never came and the door clicked closed behind her. She turned her head over her shoulder to look at it, wondering what Eli had been thinking as she held her back to him, but then she turned her thoughts away. She couldn’t give any more of herself today and with him near she might do just that.

*

The following days moved on in silence, at least on Audrina's end. She made efforts in her mind to say something to Eli, but when the time came she found her throat closing up. After the first time she found herself distancing from him again. She spent a lot of time in the room he set for her, peering out the window and watching the season begin to change. She was numb during the day, but when night came she found herself breaking out in sweats over the nightmares that haunted her. She was tormented by her own memories and often woke with physical pain racketing through her leg, phantom pain attached to her memories of her leg breaking in her struggles with her mother. Each time she would sit up and feel a gaping hole in her chest with no solution to mending it. She was never sure how much she slept as a good third of her night was spent quietly crying over what she had done. She was haunted by the faces of her mother and sister as they died, not the faces she had known and loved. She had nowhere to run when it was her own self she wished to flee from.

On the third day since she last spoke to Eli she found herself in the loving room, neatly tucked into the window sill staring out at the morning sun rising over the horizon. The emptiness inside her had expanded out from her heart and into the rest of her body. She found watching life unfold from a window brought her peace. It was only as the minutes stretched on and the first few flakes of snow dropped from the heavens did she close her eyes painfully and rest her head against the cold glass. The pain that only seemed to come in the night returned anew as she lost herself in her mind again.

[Serendipity]

The fact that Audrina hadn’t walked out the front door was clearly an indication that she wanted to stay and she was ignoring her usual instinct to run when she thought they might be getting too emotionally involved. He was already emotionally involved and had been for some time now and he was just realising that perhaps she had been more emotionally involved than he had initially thought. It hadn’t yet been spoken allowed but as Eli moved back to sit down and wait for her return he saw some of it in her unshielded gaze as she came back into the room, but further discovery of exactly what those emotions were would have to wait for another day. Nothing was spoken aloud as he stood up and gathered her bags for her before silently gesturing for her to follow him but he was saying she could stay.

Eli gently led her up to a room that was situated by the bathroom she had used earlier and left her to settle in with only a moments hesitation before the door shut in his face. Although she was under his roof it felt almost like she was shutting him away again even after she had let down all of her guard, but he understood she needed her own space and that was why he didn’t hassle her to talk more, talking was off the table at the moment. He was not to know that it would be several days before another word was spoken from her lips.

You're dark grey like a storm cloud
Sw up with rain that is desperate to be let out
And I know it’s a heavy load carrying those tears around
Carrying those fears around

He heard her haunting nightmares as he knew they would come as his own did almost every night. It was something they shared, both apart of the events that brought on these night terrors, and he chose to sit just outside her room hoping in some way she might sense him on the other side and take comfort. It meant he didn't sleep but all that awaited him when he closed his eyes were his own nightmares and he couldn't stand for the both of them to go through that hell yet he couldn't enter her room without breaking her trust and losing her forever even if he only meant to soothe away her fears as he'd once done before. It pained him to sit there and do nothing but what tore at his soul each night was Audrina’s soft crying, her sobs telling him just how much grief and blame she held inside for her actions. With his back against the wall next to her door, knees up to his chest and head in his hands he listened to her soft cries and groans of anguishing wishing he could help her in some way, he wanted to ease her pain but he had no idea how to achieve such a thing when she wouldn't allow him near or even talk to him.

So don’t worry don’t worry
I’m here by your side
By your side, by your side
We’re letting go tonight

It had only been three days since the day she had shown up soaking wet on his doorstep but with the tense silence in the air and the grief in her stormy greys it felt like forever. She was near yet so far away and he wasn't sure if he was ever going to be able to reach her. He worried that he had allowed her to remain silent for too long but he believed she needed this time to heal at least enough to be able to talk things over with him. Who knew if she would ever heal fully and Eli could only hope that she would one day although it still could be years from now.

Eli had known that winter would be there soon, and he kept himself busy over the course of these three days by chopping wood, a neat pile had quickly built up just outside the back door and another smaller pile by the fireplace in the living room which he made sure he always kept aflame so the house would never become cold as the weather turned cooler. The living room was where he found Audrina now, sitting in the window sill watching the first few flakes of snow fall from the heavens. But she didn’t look at peace at all, her usual pained expression in place where it had been for the last three days along with that far away look in her eye as she remembered all the painful memories he wished he could help her forget.

His arms were full of firewood, smaller twigs to feed the flames before he added a few extra larger pieces of wood which would keep the fire smoldering and the house warm until late afternoon. Quietly he made his way over to the fireplace, and whether she knew he had even entered the room or not he couldn’t tell as she had yet to move a muscle or look away from the window as he carefully added the twigs to the small flames still flickering inside the hearth. It was as the last twig crackled away and he turned dusting his jumper off of dirt and still she had not moved or even seemed to blink an eyelash that his will to remain understanding of her continued silence splintered.

“Enough.” He said quietly although so much silence had filled this house over the last three days the sound seemed incredibly loud even in his ears. He shook his head slightly and moved closer to the window sill she had tucked herself away in although he did not stand too close. “I can’t stand this anymore, I’m literally feel like I’m in one of those silent movies the Mundanes still watch occasionally.” He explained with a sigh and ran a hand through his dark hair.

“Audrina, talk to me...please…” He urged gently and tried to catch her gaze while he waited, and hoped that she would finally say something, anything really he didn’t care he just wanted to hear her voice again.

Yesterday is gone and you will be OK
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook
Yesterday is dead and gone and so today
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook

[Yunalesca]

She knew that eventually Eli wouldn't be able to contain himself any longer and would ask her to say something, anything, she just didn't quite expect it in that moment after she had spent some time ignoring him while he worked. She had felt his presence the moment he entered the room, but she was so locked into her memories of her sister that she never brought herself to even look his way. She couldn't say she was 'ready' to talk about what he wanted to hear so badly, how could anyone ever be ready? But the timing felt right, oddly enough, as he brought himself to stand tentatively nearby. After being around him for the months they had spent together she could say with confidence that he would be satisfied with anything she told him, but something inside her was saying that he deserved to hear it all. Everything that had happened in her life, or at least the events that led to her being as she was, could never be told properly. There just weren't words in existence that could describe the fear she felt as a child while she watched her mother's life drain away, or the emptiness she felt as she held her crying sister, or even the pain that came with each time she killed someone she loved.

She swallowed hard before taking a breath, though she still didn't tear her gaze from the outside world. She wasn't ready to look at him just yet. "Aurelie loved the snow more than anything. We didn't get much in the valley we lived in, not enough to build forts or have snowball fights, but she never needed that much. She used to stay out all day just to watch it come down. When our father died she would say he was in every little snowflake falling from the heavens to let us know he didn't forget us." She paused as she felt that pain welling in her chest, choking her heart. "It brought her comfort when nothing else would." She finished, her voice faint and a little raspy from days of silence. She let herself watch the snowflakes disintegrate as they hit the ground for a little longer before she finally pulled her head from the window and looked at Eli for the first time in days. She felt pain coursing through her, but the turmoil that had been in her eyes when she first arrived on his doorstep wasn't there. She was finding a meek amount of comfort in knowing she was finally going to tell someone her story, finally going to trust someone enough with it.

She let herself take a few breaths before she began to unfold herself from the window, though she didn’t have the courage to find her feet just yet. Instead she stayed seated, turning to him and holding onto the stretch of wood like a lifeline. She knew from looking at herself in the mirror that she would appear entirely breakable as she sat before him in just a black t-shirt and old denim. She felt fragile on the inside, but knew she had to go through with what she had felt. If she didn’t speak to him now, she might never speak to anyone again. He’ll understand she felt her own voice comfort her as her eyes dropped, then rose to his again. She could do this, she –had- to do this. “For you to understand why things happened as they did, you have to know it from the beginning,” she started, voice firm and unwavering even though she was cringing on the inside. Control she hadn’t felt for some time was now back and kept her from shaking on the outside as a bundle of nerves wracked her core. She had no idea that Hodge had told Eli what he knew of her past otherwise she might not have been so afraid of his judgment. Even so, nobody knew what she had been forced to do to her own sister.

She took another breath to steady herself before pushing off the sill to stand. She thought of the best way to approach this, but needed his consent and willingness for it. “I want you to know why I am the way I am...But it's difficult for me to talk about it. I feel it would be best if I could show you," She said, fingers knotting around eachother at her middle as she looked at him with an expression of concern. Actually showing him what Magnus saw while he searched her mind was a whole new level of trust she never thought she would offer him. Shadowhunters could share memories with one another, but it was difficult and both parties had to be open, vulnerable to the feelings the giver sent along with the memory. She had practiced enough with Aurelie when they were kids that she was sure she could do the same with Eli, but it would only work if he let her into his mind as well. Shadowhunters didn't like to be vulnerable and so she knew she was also asking a lot of him outside of what she asked herself. SHe didn't know which practice would be more painful for her to go through with, speaking of her evil deeds or actually showing him how much of a monster she could be. Either way was going to hurt, both would put her in a bad light. In the end she was letting this be his choice again as she couldn't exert anymore energy on such a decision while she struggled with keeping her nerve.

[Serendipity]

If it hadn’t been for the small breath she took Eli would have thought she hadn’t heard him speak or was trying to ignore him. He was relieved, and some of the tension subsided from his limbs, when she finally started speaking. Honestly he would have been happy with anything she said, just to hear her voice again and know that she still had one and hadn’t suddenly turned mute was a blessing on its own. She had yet to look at him however but he was just pleased that she was talking. Silently so as not to interrupt her he moved to the sofa closest to where she still sat on the window sill and perched himself on its arm, in easy view if and when she decided she would finally look at him.

He knew a lot more about her past then she thought he did but he had never told her that he knew or that Hodge had told him although he was very aware that what Hodge had told him about her mother was limited and he had only mentioned that her sister had been killed. So although he had his suspicions about what had unfolded in her past he didn’t know all the details but he could guess that they would be pretty horrible and hard to get into words. He wanted to know them though as hard as they would be for her to speak he wanted to know because he felt if he knew then he could understand her pain and help her through it if she allowed him too that is. He would never push for her to tell him anything she wasn’t willing to share and wanted her to open up to him on her own.

Her reflection on her sister was a start and he listened intently to the memory she spoke of picturing a young Audrina and Aurelie (who he could only guess would look like her sister) playing in the little snow they would get each year and remembering their father as it fell. It was a nice sentiment and he smiled softly appreciating that she could share that small insight to what her younger sister was like. They had lost their father at too young of age in Eli’s opinion, at least he had had the opportunity to become of age before his father had died, he had had a few extra years with him.

Eli was the one who went quiet now, giving her the space she needed without interruptions to tell him what she needed to and he felt if he spoke it would distract her in some way and it would give her too much time between his sentences and hers to overthink what she might tell him. She didn’t look pained now as she finally twisted on the windowsill to look at him and there was a kind of calm that came over her as she’d begun speaking as though she realised she was comfortable sharing these things with him but there was still that fragileness about her that told him he had to be careful with how he reacted or what he said. He would not judge her as he had promised when she first arrived and that still stood, even if he thought there might be cause to judge he didn’t believe he could anyway.

He was prepared to sit with her in the living room all day if that’s what it took for her to tell him everything, he had learned to be a lot more patient because of her, because he’d had to be. Eli uncurled his arms from his chest as the blonde slowly got to her feet explaining that she would need to start from the beginning but instead of telling him all of her story she wanted to show him.
He took a small breath in after her statement, surprised that she would be willing to let him into her memories that she had kept so guarded and not to mention after Magnus had rifled through them. The level of trust this process required was pretty major, they would both become vulnerable and Audrina especially but he was willing to proceed as long as she was comfortable.

“If this is what you truly want.” He said offering her an out so she wouldn’t feel so trapped but at the same time hoping she wouldn’t take it. He had already opened his heart to her and opening his mind was just the next step he supposed. The only thing that worried him was that he would truly know her pain and what nightmares awaited her whenever she closed her eyes for sleep. He hated seeing the pain in her eyes already, witnessing the reasons for that pain was going to be on a whole other level. “You can show me.” Eli nodded.

[Yunalesca]

She had to take a breath to steady herself before nodding and slowly lowering herself to the sofa next to him. It had been a long time since she had done this process and she wasn’t sure it would work properly. Stop looking for excuses, she thought and made herself turn to him, one leg coming up to fold under her as she sat there facing him. “I’m going to touch my fingers to your temples, you’ll have to be willing to let me in…” She said quietly before bringing her hands up slowly, nervously, to his face. The feel of his skin under her hands again made her heart leap for a brief second, then it was gone again. She had to think back to her nightmarish past and hold onto it before she could show it to him. She allowed herself a deep breath before closing her eyes and willing herself into his mind. At first she felt a thin wall, a protective layer about him, but as she gave a small push she felt it accept her and let her through. She was careful to not pry into his thoughts and began to settle in to show him her soul.

Her back was to the entrance of the kitchen, pale hair braided long down her back, hands deep in the soapy waters of the sink as she washed the dishes from the family breakfast they'd had over an hour ago. Aurelie had gone into the small town to get a new eBook from the library, a bi-weekly venture as she read more often since their father had died. "Audrina," she heard from behind, her mother’s voice high and full of panic. She half turned to look at her mother, but the action was far too slow as Gabrielle pulled her from the sink with hands firm about her shoulders. A plate broke as surprise made the young DuPage drop it before she could dry it properly.

"Mom..."

"Shh, your sister? Where is your sister?!" The matriarch questioned with firmness and an overwhelming sense of fear as the young girl looked back at her mother in confusion.

"The library, she," the sound of wood splintering at the back of the house made Audrina stop, mother and daughter turning their attention to the hall between the kitchen and living room. "Mom," Audrina started in fear now as Gabrielle looked back at her with grey eyes of fear.

"Hide, quickly, Audrina. Don't come out, don't make a sound, just hide yourself." Gabrielle urged before spinning Audrina away and reaching into a high cupboard for a Shadowhunters blade. They were hidden about the house, an act Gabrielle had taken to after her husband died. Whether it was out of safety or being unable to look at them any longer Audrina would never know. It was the last thing she saw before she was crawling into a cupboard in the corner of the kitchen, fitting neatly into the empty space and shutting the doors. It was the safest place she knew as Aurelie had never been able to find her when they played hide and seek.

"Now where is that bravery you showed when you came to us. I believe you're shaking, Shadowhunter." Came a voice Audrina didn't recognize and she felt herself stop breathing as she peered out through a crack in the cupboard doors. She was young and untrained, but she knew it was vampires that began to flood her kitchen as her mother backed away slightly before choosing to stand her ground.

"You never should have come here," Gabrielle's voice threatened, though it wavered as the fear striking through her became more evident.

"You never should have trusted us." The apparent leader spoke before the attack began. There were only four of them, but the kitchen quickly became cramped as Gabrielle fought with her attackers, trying to remove their heads or stab them through their dead hearts. The size of the room made maneuverability an impossible feat, but somehow she was winning. Audrina watched her mother move around the attacks with a dancers grace, fear dispersing as she felt hope that this would end alright. But that was before her wrist was broken and her blade wrenched away, before a vampire slammed her against the counter and made to choke the life out of her, before Gabrielle reached into her boot and stabbed a dagger into the back of her attacker only to anger him further.

Fear was the only thing that sang through the young girl as she watched her mother pulled from the counter and presented before the leader on her knees. She saw her mother’s hair pulling free of its elaborate braid, the blood trickling from her nose and mouth, the anger and look of pure defiance in her eyes as she looked up at this vampire standing before her. "If you came to kill me, you're doing a piss poor job of it," Gabrielle hissed as the warrior blood began to sing in her. The fear that Audrina felt wasn't present on her mother’s face as she glared at him.

"No, I've thought of a better use for you; A more suitable pain to put into your heart. What better way to learn to never trust a vampire than to become one?" The man said, long brown hair curtailing his face as he leaned forward. Instantly the pride Gabrielle had expressed on her face began to fall. She murmured a panicked 'no' before the man moved with speed Audrina had never seen before. Two vampires held her firmly as the leader sunk his teeth into her neck and began draining her life away.

Audrina's hand flew to her mouth and she bit on the edge to quell the scream she wanted to emit. She felt hot tears streaming down her face as her mother’s body began to sag and her breathing slowed. All the strength she had shown was gone. Audrina was watching her mother die and could do nothing as fear paralyzed her.

"Open her mouth," the leader ordered before biting his own wrist, then hovering it over Gabrielle. Audrina didn't know how long he poured his own blood into her mother before they let her lay on the kitchen floor. She felt herself shaking as she couldn't take her eyes off her mother’s expressionless face. After a few minutes, one of the subordinates opened Gabrielle's eyelids to see the shocking icy blue color they had turned. "It’s taking," he confirmed before the leader nodded. He ordered for them to take her and Audrina’s eyes stayed fixed on the floor where her mother had been laying while they walked out with her body. Finally she fell from the cupboard to the floor, silent at first then the room filled with sobs and gasps for air. Panic overtook her as she patted the floor as though her mother were still there.

-

Audrina drew her hands from Eli at that moment, taking measures to breathe through her nose to keep the panicked feelings at bay. Every emotion she had felt back then was coursing through her now, threatening to completely break what was left of her. She closed her eyes and knotted her hands around her legs to remind herself she was in the present, that she wasn't in her own kitchen and that it was a suppressed memory from ten years ago. Finally she looked to Eli, wiping her hands on her jeans. "That's not everything you need to see. There's more." She said quietly before closing her eyes again and leaning in to connect with him once more, not giving him the chance to object. If she didn't do this now she knew she would never have the bravery to do it again.

-

”Rel?” Audrina’s voice called as she stepped into the foyer and hung her coat on the rack by the door. It had been nearly 6 months since she had watched her mother die before her eyes and it showed now with stress lines around her eyes, the innocent glow she’d held had long since diminished. The silence that reverberated through the family home made her brows knit as she set a grocery satchel on the long table by the door. “Rel?” She called again, this time with more concern as she paused in the hall. An uneasy feeling washed over her as she began to feel the hair on the back of her neck prickle. Something wasn’t right and she was afraid of what that something might be.

With careful steps she made for the two archways on either side of the hall, peering into the living room first, then into the kitchen. It was there that she saw her sister sitting on the counter, her legs swinging as she had her head down seemingly examining her hands. “Rel…” The 15 year old breathed again as a panic began choking at her. Something’s not right, run her own voice echoed in her mind as she stopped herself after a step into the room. She wasn’t prepared for what met her when Aurelie finally lifted her head from behind the veil of golden silk.

Audrina’s mouth fell and she stopped breathing as the gray eyes she had known and loved were replaced with a shimmering blue and a grin that looked like it belonged to a jaguar. “Rel…” She managed again but her legs wouldn’t work to either propel her forward to her sister nor away from the beast she was becoming. At the sound of her name being uttered, Aurelie grinned wider before lowering herself from the counter.

“Don’t be afraid, Dree. Mommy came back with gifts…” She said and Audrina’s pulse spiked, blood pumping fast as she finally unfroze and backed against the counter, away from her sister as she approached the stopped. “We can be with her again. A family. Isn’t that what you want?” Aurelie asked in a voice that wasn’t entirely her own. Audrina felt flashes of her mother’s attack go through her mind and that pounding fear returned to close its hand around her heart.

“Aurelie. Our mother is gone and she’s not coming back,” she tried even knowing already what had happened, but her mind refused to believe it. Her sister stood before her in the first stages of transition and she was trying to believe her eyes were lying. It was getting hard to breathe as her sister smiled at her with a face she didn’t recognize.

“That’s why I’m here, Dree. We’ll be together again, it just takes a little blood.” She said before she launched herself at her sister. Shadowhunter survival skill kicked in and Audrina unfroze from her fear to throw herself to the side. Aurelie crashed into the cabinets before whipping around and hissing like a cat. The elder sibling looked at her younger sister in horror before she had to slide away again to prevent from being attacked. Everything in her was screaming to return fire and defend herself, but she couldn't forget that this was her sister. She didn't know of a cure for the virus now afflicting her, but she couldn't just kill her.

While she was distracted with her thoughts she lost her concentration with the battle at hand and felt a red hot pain down the length of her arm before she was being slammed against the ground. She groaned as she tried to get up, but slipped and collapsed into the puddle of her own blood that was gushing from her arm. She lifted her hand and saw the cut running from her wrist to elbow, a purposeful gash to bleed her quickly. It was then that she twisted and looked back at her sister standing over her with a dagger dripping with blood. Her yellow dress was splatter with red and the hunger in her eyes made it all the worse. Audrina whimpered and tried to pull herself back from her sister, but kept slipping on the blood pooling across the kitchen floor. "Rel," she sobbed as she felt she couldn't defend herself.

"It's just a little blood, Dree. We'll be a family again." She replied and began to advance. Audrina collapsed on her back one last time and found she didn't have the strength anymore to get up. She made her eyes look to Aurelie's as she lowered herself beside her and brushed stray strands from her sister’s face. "Just a bite and you'll be fine," she said before leaning in slowly. Audrina's eyes flicked to the ceiling, then they closed tightly, tears streaming before her hand darted to Aurelie's. The blade was wrenched from her hand and Audrina stabbed it into her sister's chest, into the heart that had stopped beating.

She heard a sharp gasp before Aurelie fell into Audrina's shoulder. She lay there with her dead sister on top of her for a few moments before she made herself sit up and cradle the girl against her like she had when they had been smaller. She cried heavily as she brushed Aurelie's golden hair from her face, blood flecking across her pale face as the knife wound still bled, though Audrina couldn't feel it. All she could feel was emptiness at the realization she was entirely alone now. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she sobbed before planting a kiss on Aurelie's forehead.

-

The memory moved faster from then on, quick glimpses of a young Audrina placing an iratze on her arm before dropping the stele in the sink basin and beginning to wash away the blood; a flash of her looking at herself in the mirror, hair wild and stained red before she took a pair of scissors and sliced away the braid that had been coming undone. Her hair reminded her too much of her mother and sister, both of whom were now gone; a memory of gathering a few items and storing them in a box to take with her, small enough to fit in a messenger bag she would take with her; the final memory took longer, however. She couldn't bring herself to look in the kitchen to see her sisters' body lying in a pool of blood, no matter how peaceful she looked there. Once she had her coat and bag she exited the house with an old wine bottle in hand. She looked over the exterior of the house for some time, remembering all that had happened there, before she lit the rag hanging off the tip of the bottle, then threw it through the front door. The bottle exploded and spewed kerosene which quickly ignited and began burning the house. She watched it catch fire, moving from room to room, and began to feel anger rearing up through the immense heartache crushing her soul. She had killed her sister because one person made her. She vowed in that moment that she would stalk her mother to the ends of the earth to remove her soul from the evil body it had become trapped in.

As the young Audrina turned away from the burning home, the Audrina of the present removed her hands from Eli and sat back. Her eyes were closed and brows scrunched painfully as she took a few moments to breathe. She was afraid to look at him and see what he thought of her now. He watched her murder her own sister and rescued her after she had done the same to her mother. In trying to extinguish the monsters of her past she had become one in the process. “I’ve never told anyone what happened to her. I couldn’t bring myself to. I’ve kept people at a distance ever since. Everyone I loved was dead, and two of them are at my own hands. I didn’t want people to know how much of a monster I was.” She said while choking back a sob. The pain in her chest was almost unbearable as she relived her worst nightmares. She knew it would hurt, just couldn’t comprehend just how much. Even after ten years it felt like there was a giant hole in her chest. “She was only 11. She had so much to live for…and it was taken away by two people who loved her the most. It was easier to run away and shut my feelings off than to try and deal with it.” She finally opened her eyes and looked at him, forcing herself as her eyes grew watery. “Am I just as evil as I feel?” She asked of him without really expecting an answer.

[Serendipity]

Eli had only heard of this process before and had never actually tried it but he could guess the basics of it and knew there would have to be some kind of connection made between the two of them. His thoughts were confirmed when Audrina explained that she would have to place her fingers to his temples which meant psychical contact something they had not shared for quite some time. He would also have to be willing to let her in, but that wasn’t hard to do and there was nothing more he wanted then to let her in and have her let him in in return however he hadn't thought it would be under these circumstances. It was a start though regardless of the reasons why and perhaps because of this the trust between them that had been lost along the way could be rebuilt as it was a process that required it. His eyes fluttered lightly shut as he felt the blonde’s fingers gently press to his temples and he allowed his body to relax and his mind to open to her, he was not afraid of what she might see in his mind if she chose to but he knew she wouldn’t without asking.

As Audrina’s memories became pictures in his head, Eli saw it as though he were standing right beside the younger version of Audrina as though he were a ghost. The first memory started off like it had been any other ordinary day for the DuPage family but Eli quickly got the sense that it was going to be anything but that as an older blonde woman hurried into the kitchen asking the whereabouts of her youngest daughter. Eli had never seen Audrina’s mother before she had died and now as he watched the pair he could see the fairness of them both, the gracefulness they both shared, and, he assumed her sister would share these same qualities too.

His heart started quicker in his chest as the scene quickly unraveled and the group of vampires made their appearance. He stood by the cupboard the younger Audrina hid in as her mother had instructed, he knew it was only a memory and the events had already been played out once before with no chance of altering them but he felt he also needed to protect the young girl as hopeless as it was. It was as though he were feeling the same panic and the same fear that Audrina was feeling as the scene played out before them both; her mother was careful not to step anywhere near the cupboard her daughter hid in incase she were discovered. It was a violent battl and Audrina’s mother was outnumbered against the Downworlders but continues to fight hard against them despite their numbers.

His stomach twisted as the vampires finally took Audrina’s mother down and he didn't need to witness the vision in front of him to know what came next. They did not kill the Shadowhunter but instead out of some sick and twisted reasoning they forced her to become one of them unknowingly infront of her own daughters eyes. His hands curled into fists, balled so tightly he could feel his fingernails bight into his skin and knew there would be marks in his palms once he came out of these memories. He wanted to look away but did not as he needed to see it, to feel what Audrina felt, to understand her pure hatred for the Night Children.

He was brought out of her memory as the Audrina in the present broke the connection. Eli was relieved for it, as Audrina needed the break so did he so he could process and calm all the emotions flaring in his chest, the anger, the pain, the sadness of what Audrina had endured when she had witnessed her mothers death was becoming just a little too much to bear. He sucked in a breath as the connection broke, but his eyes remained closed for he didn't want to see the torment on her face that was brought on by reliving that memory again. Eli wouldn't have thought any less of her if she had said she couldn't continue but he sensed her calm her own emotions before placing her hands back to his temples explaining what he already knew, there was more to come.

As quickly as the first scene unfolded once Audrina let him back in again another came to light and once more he was a mere ghost of a presence only there to witness and not to interfere. It began in the hallway with just Audrina, she was returning home from somewhere and Eli could only guess that she has left her sister behind as she was calling for her now. An uneasy feeling came over him as it came over the 15 year old Audrina too when her sister didn't answer immediately. The feeling that something was not right seemed to grow stronger as Audrina searched the rooms along the hallway for her sister. It was the kitchen that she found her in and one look at the youngest DuPage had Eli's blood running cold. Oh no he thought as it dawned on him why he felt dread flare in his veins. Run! Eli shouted in his own head although he knew the older DuPage wouldn't hear him anyway and he could not find his voice. Aurelie, Audrina’s sister was not Aurelie, Audrina’s sister anymore; those eyes he assumed were supposed to be grey like her sisters were ice cold blue and flesh looked a sickly pale colour as though all the warmth had been sucked out of her.

Eli had only known that her sister was dead not of the circumstances of her death but he was starting to understand them now. The conversation that was exchanged between the two sisters pointed to what Eli already knew to be Audrina’s mother turning into a Vampire and now she had done the same to her youngest, most vulnerable, daughter and had sent her back home to complete the trio of DuPage women for all enternity. If he had thought seeing her mothers death was bad enough, nothing compared to what happened in this memory of Audrina’s. He was on a knifes edge wanting to see what Audrina was sharing but not wanting to witness what he sensed was coming. The fight, the knife, Aurelie lunging viciously for her sisters throat, the girls body as it slumped against her sister blood pooling around them both; it was one of the most awful things he had witnessed and his heart bled for the young girl who'd had no choice but to slay her own flesh and blood. He understood the haunted look in Audrina's eyes now, understood her pain more than he has before, and knew why she had guarded herself so well from then on. He also understood her need to find her mother and put her to rest as well (although he still didn't agree with her method of going it alone). As the DuPage house burned and the young Audrina turned her back on it, Eli still stood watching the flames leap higher and higher as the house was engulfed, he thought he could even feel the heat of it although he was only in a memory.

Audrina... His heart clenched tighter in his chest as the realisation dawned on him that this was what made her the way she was, this was why she pushed him away -pushed everyone away-because everyone she loved was gone and one of them was by her own hand, and she didn't want to experience that grief again. He came out of her memory as she let her hands drop away again and this time his eyes opened immediately to look at the blonde but her eyes were tightly closed, reliving the memories almost too much to bare. "Audrina..." He spoke her name aloud this time, softly and steadily. She did not have to explain herself to him, to anyone for that matter, but he didn't try to interrupt her again as she went on explaining this was the reason why she was the way she was and badly she felt of her self for it, all the guilt.

Finally she opened her eyes and they were welling with tears. Eli thought his heart could not break any further, he was wrong. Quickly he shook his head, reaching to place a hand over hers to reassure her some how, to comfort her. "Of course your not," He told her gently as she asked if she was as evil as she felt. "Audrina, sweetheart..." He couldn't stand to see that look in her eye and in his effort to reassure her he forgot the boundaries she has put in place and with the hand that rested over hers he pulled her into him, wrapping his arms around her a hand sinking into the back of her hair to guide her head to his shoulder. "You are not evil, you are not a monster and you are not a horrible person. You've gone through horrible, evil, things but that does not make you evil or horrible." He told her calmly, hoping she knew he didn't think of her as she must be thinking of herself. "I'm so sorry you had to endure that, and that you've had to live with it everyday since with no one to share it with." He murmured heartfeltly into her hair.

[Yunalesca]

He could have neither done nor said anything better than he did in that moment when he pulled her to him and comforted her gently with not words of blame, but of solace. She knew she'd had several opportunities to tell someone of what had really happened, but fear and distrust had taken over her until she met him. She couldn't know what would have happened to her if she had gone to the Clave with the truth, though she could imagine she would have been taken in and would have been told to never speak of what happened ever again. They would wish for her to wipe the memory and start clean, but that was never something she could have done. She had let this fester and burn inside her for ten years until this moment and now that it had finally been released she could feel the well of emotions bursting at the seams. In all her vulnerability she couldn't hold onto it any longer and let herself cry, truly cry for the first time since she vowed to free her mother's soul. She forgot all her apprehension in letting someone hold her or the fear of appearing weak. She hid her face in Eli's shoulder and curled her fingers around the fabric of his shirt while she sobbed, body trembling under the weight of her pain. She had cried before, had been crying in her sleep since she could remember, but it didn't compare to the release she was having now as she let herself feel everything that went with the need to kill her own family. She never could have confessed this to anyone else and have them hold her once she was done and the only shell she'd ever had to wrap about herself was crumbled down.

This went on for several minutes before she felt her body was exhausted and no more tears could come from her eyes, dried up from the nights of crying since she had slain her mother. She stayed in Eli's arms, head against his shoulder for a while longer before gathering courage and taking a breath. Her head slowly lifted and her red rimmed eyes found his. As painful as that had been, that wasn't all he needed to hear, though what would come next wouldn't cause the kind of torture she had felt while telling him of her sister. She knew he would never ask more of her and would sit there all day with her if she needed him to, but her mind was pushing for her to give him everything. She had kept many secrets from him and in letting her stay here even after how she had treated him he deserved to hear the most important of them. She took another breath before realizing her hands were still clinging to his shirt. She offered him and apologetic half smile before her fingers relinquished their hold and she brushed at the wet spot on his shoulder from her tears. "Sorry," she said quietly before her hands lowered, though they stayed in contact with him as though he were the only thing giving her courage.

She felt no fear in what she was about to tell him, she just wasn’t sure where to start. It was silly that she would feel this way now after having told him something she had held so close to her soul for so long. After exposing this part of herself, everything should have been easier. “Remember when I told you I wasn’t myself those few days before you left, how there were things telling me you would hurt me?” She started with simply enough, though it pained her a little to bring it up again. She had thought she was working to protect herself, but really she had pushed him away to keep him from getting killed. She had known how her ‘quest’ would end and couldn’t bear the thought of him dying along with her. Regardless of this, she pushed on once he offered his acknowledgement. “That was her…My mother. She was working with a witch who tricked me into giving her the means to get in my head.” She stopped herself again as a wave of embarrassment and feeling foolish washed over her. Not once had she ever considered fully what the witch would have wanted her blood for. “The tools I bartered for to find your brother…I got them from that witch. I paid her with my blood.” She said the last part more quietly as she began to fear what his reaction might be. There were Downworlders who would do anything to rid the world of the Shadowhunters who set the rules for them and she had given an invaluable source over to one of them to save one person. It sounded ridiculous now as she thought more on it, but she knew she would still do it again. Travis brought his brother peace and joy, two things she had only ever wanted for him. She swallowed and made her averted eyes come back to him. “Before you chastise me, know I would do it again. His life was important to you and so it became important to me.” She managed to get out, the closest she had come to admitting what he was to her. She had been flirting with this ever since she had arrived on his doorstep and yet now didn’t feel like good timing. She wasn’t sure if she ever would actually tell him, but she did know she couldn’t say it now.

“She whispered things in my head for weeks, showed up in apparitions in a mirror or my tea. I thought I was going mad. Then Isabelle made me go to that club and I met Judah. Somehow he drugged me and coerced my outside. I can’t remember really what happened, but I know it was supposed to end that night. My mother had been watching me ever since I landed in New York and she had decided I was ‘ready’. I didn’t put it together until he showed up with her down in that cellar and spoke like I was already his for the taking. She selected him for me, she said…” She felt her throat closing up slightly as she recalled how she could only think of Eli in those moments. It was that sentiment that had made it easier for her to go forward with her plan to set her mother free from the dead body she had been enslaved in. Her real mother would have never done anything like that. She may have forcefully made her daughter become a Shadowhunter, but she never would have messed with her heart in that manner.

“When she made her move to turn me, I tried stabbing her with the knife I had killed Aurelie with. It felt like poetic justice, but she was faster and knew me better than I thought she did. She turned it on me before she bit me, then dropped me like I was nothing. As much as she looked like her, I knew she wasn’t my mother anymore. When she was close enough I grabbed hold of her and used the last of the runes I had taken from Magnus’ Gray Book.” She said, turning her hands palms up for him to see the scars etched into them. “Even as the fire began burning me I couldn’t let go, I couldn’t let this monster continue to masquerade around as my mother,” she paused and took a breath as her eyes flicked to the ceiling, then back to him. “I thought that would be the end of it. I’d be free of my guilt and loneliness. I woke up with Isabelle next to my bed and didn’t know what to think at first. Eventually I stopped feeling everything and yet some voice told me I had to come here…to you.” She finished, skimming details on her time after she woke as it was still a depressing matter for her to think on. It was quite possibly the darkest time of her life and she still hadn’t quite come to terms with it.

Her gaze lowered to her hands resting on Eli’s leg, something that felt natural as she spoke to him, and she wondered if this would ever happen again. He hadn’t judged her for her deeds, had comforted her through her pain, and yet she still reserved some fear for what the future would hold. She was broken and run down, she felt guilt and pain. How could she ever ask anyone to shoulder her through the storm? Her eyes rose up to him again with an apologetic look. “I would like some time to myself for a while…This was a lot for me to lay on you and for me to think about again,” she admitted before she slowly began pulling back from him. In the past a mighty wall of titanium would have gone up when she retreated from him, but this time there was nothing but her vulnerability and a wave of emotions in her gray eyes. She didn’t want him to believe she was pulling back like she used to, but as she felt the crushing feelings emerge from her memories she knew she needed some time alone to try to handle it. There were habits she just couldn’t let go of and one of them was her inability to ask anyone to help her through her own troubles. She had let him hold her as she cried; she would have to hope that would be enough for him for now.

[Serendipity]

If she had pulled away from him he would have understood, she had just revealed so much of herself to him, exposed her still open wounds and probably felt extremely vulnerable right now. Instead she sunk her fingers into his shirt, buried her face deeper into his shoulder and cried. Eli felt her body shudder with the release and held her firmly against him as she sobbed so she would know he was there for her and that he would not shy away from such raw emotion and vulnerability from her, he was there and he wasn’t going anywhere if thats what she wanted. It was still all down to her in regards to where they went next, but that was a conversation for another day, right now she just needed to get everything that she had bottled up out.

He had heard her quiet sobs through her bedroom door over the last few nights, and he’d wished he had been able to hold her then as he was now but those sobs were nothing compared to her crying now and he almost wanted to cry with her - for her. Gently he stroked the back of her hair as she continued to let it all out on his shoulder, it bothered him little that his shirt had become wet under her tears he barely felt the dampness and concentrated on the intensity of her sobs waiting patiently for them to die down, for Audrina to calm herself at her own pace. He was not rushing her through it, she needed this, she needed to cry for as long and as hard as she wanted, to let the grief and guilt out and perhaps even the relief that she had finally told someone of her troubles.

After some time, a few minutes at a guess, before Audrina’s tears stopped flowing and the small shudders that came with each sob slowly subsided until she was still in his arms exhausted from the release of all that emotion. It was another minute or two however before he felt her slowly pull herself back from him and he loosened his grip so she could. Her smokey grey’s met with his as she slowly lifted her gaze upwards, they were red rimmed and still shimmering somewhat with left over tears that hadn’t spilled. Eli’s gaze met with hers and held, his free hand coming up briefly to brush away some of her fringe that had stuck to her cheek as she brushed at the damp spot on his shoulder. He could tell that there was still something else that she wanted to tell him though he would guess it wouldn’t be as torturous as the memories she had just shared.

He shook his head a little as she apologised for staining his shoulder with her tears. “It’ll dry,” He told her with a gentle smile. As she prepared to tell him whatever it was that she still needed to get out, Eli pulled back a little but kept his hands at her sides not yet willing to completely sever the contact between them for as long as she was still comfortable with it and it appeared neither was she, her hands lowering from the front of his shirt to rest lightly on his thighs. Apprehension slowly curled through his body as she brought up the last conversation they had had at the Institute, the conversation that had turned everything sour between them. He took a slow breath in and nodded slowly but said nothing and simply continued to listen, the apprehension building as she continued to explain that her mother had been behind it all. Her mother and a witch.

The mention of the witch triggered something in his mind and he was recalling a conversation he and Audrina had had just before they had rescued his brother from Maddox, it had involved her speaking of a Witch then too. She had gone off to find a way to help him get his brother back, although it hadn’t started out as that; she had run away after one of their many confronting conversations about her not letting him in however kissing her again hadn’t helped the matter either. He remembered now, as Audrina continued, that when she had come back she’d had come back with a means to help free Travis and had told him she’d gotten the stone from a Witch. Eli had feared then that she had paid too much and when it came to Witches there was always big prices to pay in return for their service, it was why he steered clear of the creatures, they were worse than Warlocks and now he was realising just how much she had paid in order to help get his brother back.

He was shaking his head about to chastise her for the sacrifice she had made for his brother but stopped as she went on to say that she would do it all again if it meant he would have his brother back safe and sound. He was angry, but not at her, he was angry at the Witch who had convinced her to part with a drop of two of her blood yet as Audrina told him that Travis’s life was important to her because it was important to him, Eli swallowed the anger back because how could he be angry when he would give up every drop of blood that ran through his veins if it meant the blonde in front of him was safe, he would just be being hypocritical if reprimanded her now.

It explained a lot though, why one day she would seem to be letting him in and then the next she was pushing him away and calling him a monster, the Witch had been working with her mother and playing with her thoughts. He did feel better now knowing that she really didn’t think of him in such a bad light, and he felt his chest swell with emotion as he realised that she had very nearly admitted that she felt something for him, she had hinted that his happiness was important to her. Eli listened as Audrina continued explaining just how much her mother had influenced her decisions and actions over the last month before the two of them had faced off. He felt himself tense just a little at the mention of the blonde vampire, now Eli knew his name, who he had battled with that night and who had prevented him from getting to Audrina sooner. The vampire had gotten away much to Eli’s displeasure now but at the time he had just been thankful that the Downworlder had fled once he’d realised the Werewolves had arrived.

“That explains a lot.” Eli said in acknowledgement to all that she had told him, it was difficult to find the right words as his mind continued to process everything she had shown him and now just told him. He understood her desire to go after her mother and because of the mind manipulation had felt strongly about going it alone even though she must have realised deep down there were people who cared for her, obviously her mother had made sure those realizations never surfaced in her daughter's mind so she could have total control over her.

He felt guilt rake through him when Audrina spoke of the moment she’d woken up and discovered she was still alive when she had planned to die alongside her mother that night. He should have been there. He shouldn’t have listened to his own stupid thoughts that it would be easier if he wasn’t around when she woke up, that she wouldn’t want to see him but what was done was done and he couldn’t change it. He had been driven by his own emotions then, he had thought she was dead, remembered how her blood had soaked through his clothes as he’d scrambled to her lifeless body. His eyes grew haunted as he reflected on that night, and in particular the moment he’d seen her lying in a pool of her own blood. He had honestly thought he had lost her forever and then the thought of watching over her in the infirmary and quite possibly watching the life slip from her permanently had become too much for him to handle. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you woke up, I should have been…” Eli said, the guilt reflecting in his words. Maybe if he had been there when she’d woken up it would have helped in some small way.

He wanted to tell her just what it had done to him to see her so close to death, what he had felt when he had thought she was dead, but he could see that this confession from her was becoming too much and now was not the time to flood her with his own feelings. She had shared far more than he ever thought she would and that was more than he could hope for, a small piece of him had hope that she might feel something for him after all. So when she told him that she needed time to herself for a while he nodded and bought his hands from her side so that she had the freedom to get up. “Take all the time you need, I’m not going anywhere.” He reassured her so she knew that he would be there for her once she was ready to talk more.

“I’m grateful that you told me all of this, I know that it was extremely difficult for you to talk about.” He added gently as she rose to her feet. He didn’t say anything more and only watched as she walked out of the living room, though this time he didn’t feel as heavy hearted watching her go because this time he knew that she would speak to him again.

[Yunalesca]

Hearing him tell her he would be there for her when she was ready to come back made her feel better as she walked out of the room and back upstairs to the room she had been occupying for the last few days. Everytime she turned her back to him and walked away she felt an ache in her chest, though luckily what he said made it dull and eventually subside. He hadn't called her a monster or pulled away from her after seeing all she had done, he didn't react as how she had always feared someone would. After it all he was gracious to her for letting him in; it wasn't the result she had exactly expected but was happy for all the same. She had spent much of life believing men like him only searched for one thing and would be gone once they got it. When she first met him she was convinced he was something to be both feared and hated, but given time she had come to realize he wasn't all he appeared to be. She thought him a playboy, and he may very well have been when they met, but he had been patient with her and far gentler than she could have ever of hoped from anyone. As she reflected on this while closing the door softly, she found she felt she had made the proper choice in coming here.

With the amount of drain she felt from releasing everything at last, she found as she sat on the edge of the bed that she wanted to do nothing more than rest. With everything out in the open she didn’t have much to reflect on any longer. She didn’t know whether the nightmares would still return, but after how things had gone with Eli she felt she could go to him if she needed him in the night. Not long ago he had held her through rough nights and would undoubtedly do it again if she asked it of him. He had become something special to her and she wasn’t sure if he fully understood that. She wasn’t the best at expressing what she thought or felt, but surely he had to know what it meant to be the only one she trusted with her darkest secret. As she thought of this she felt her heart pound a little harder in her chest which caused her hand to come up and curl over her chest protectively. She knew what this all meant, she could hear her mother’s soft voice in her head from when she had explained it to her as a child, she just couldn’t wrap her mind around it at the moment. I’m so tired she thought before her eyes began to close and she fell asleep curled up on the bed, mentally exhausted from spilling her soul after so many years of silence.

*

She woke groggily several hours later, the sun lowering in the sky and splaying the last few precious rays over the floor before it would fade into darkness. She had dreamed, though it hadn’t been nightmarish as the ones she was used to haunting her at night. As her body was slow to wake and respond, she found herself reflecting on what her mind had shown her. It had been simple enough in construction, but the feelings that reverberated through her chest even now made her hold onto the images like they were real. She wanted to store every feeling, every moment she had dreamed even as she knew it would be a false memory she would recall on whenever she would need strength again. Still, Eli’s face, the way he looked at her in the dream, made her not care that she might blur the lines of reality and fiction. It had been a dream of waking up in this home, only she wasn’t alone like she had been for so many nights. She woke next to Eli, curled into him as he brushed her hair back from her face and warmed her with a smile as her eyes finally opened. The sun was rising through the window at his back and brushed light over the room just perfectly so he looked like he was glowing. Not a word had to be said as they looked at each other and she felt a welling of emotions begin in her chest before branching out through the rest of her body. When she looked into his eyes she felt safe, she felt loved, she felt home.

As the memory faded she felt her brows scrunch slightly and her exhale speak of pain and yearning. Never had she felt emotion like that and though she had told herself she didn’t care that it was a lie, she knew that was false. She wanted it to be real and thus knew what it was she felt in her chest every time she looked at the man who had once felt like nothing more than a burden. It was scary to feel this way for anyone after all that had happened, but the voice in her heart was telling her she shouldn’t be afraid. These feelings she held in her heart for him were nothing new, she had just become so good at blinding herself to them that she didn’t know they were even there. If she thought hard enough she could probably pin point the exact moment they had begun, but right at this moment she didn’t want to expend the energy. She had something far more important to do and it took everything she had to make herself get off the bed and start back downstairs.

She thought to go the living room initially as that seemed to be Eli’s favorite spot in the house, but she heard soft sounds coming from the kitchen and so knew he would be there. As far as she knew there was nobody else about and so it was a safe guess that did pay off. She stood in the doorway of the kitchen for a few moments, watching him as she felt her courage faltering and some part of her quivering to turn and run. I can’t, I have to know she responded before taking a breath and stepping forward with soft feet. When Eli noticed her she stopped her approach and looked at him, unable to speak a word as fear trickled back into her heart and had a strangle hold around her vocal chords. He would never hurt you she was reminded and took a breath. “There’s something I’ve kept from you for some time, something that doesn’t just have to do with me…I let myself ignore it and…” she stopped and furrowed her brows angrily at herself, eyes turning down as her voice choked off and her fists clenched out of his view. She was more eloquent than this!

Finally she brought her eyes back up to him when all her fear had dissipated and confidence she had thought she lost was back once more. “Before coming here all I felt was pain or emptiness and it was going to consume me until I couldn’t take it anymore, but you brought me away from all that. You made me feel something other than depression and loss.” She stopped herself again, unable to turn away from him as she had to take a large breath. “I’m in love with you, Elijah, and I want to feel everything that goes along with that. I want you to kiss me and I don’t want you to stop….” She managed to say as she felt her heartbeat reverberate through her whole body, each thud a resounding pound in her ears and throughout her limbs. She didn’t know what would happen from here, but every word she said she had meant. She couldn’t hold it in any longer.

[Serendipity]

He heard her soft footsteps on the stairs as she retreated up to her room most likely to sleep off the exhaustion. Eli sat in the living room in the same spot for a few more minutes after Audrina had gone staring into the crackling fire still blazing in the herth unsure of what to do with himself while he waited for the blonde to come back down when she was ready.Eli wasn’t sure exactly how long Audrina would need to gather her thoughts after telling him all of her deepest darkest secrets; it must have been exhausting for her to carry that burden all on her own for so long.

It was a big deal that she had unloaded it onto him and shared all of what had made her so reluctant for human contact and he was willing to give her all the time she needed to recoup from revealing all of that onto him but he could only hope that she wouldn’t need days to recover because he wasn’t sure if he could hold in everything he wanted to tell her for that long. There were many things he wanted to say to her and to share with her. He could already feel the shattered pieces of his heart mending as the new hope she had given him built, she had not rejected him, was not angry at him and now he knew she had never truly thought he was a monster it was all his heart needed to mend.

It was hard to say where the two of them would go from here but at least, whatever the outcome, he would know for sure how she felt and if it turned out they weren’t meant to be together than he could move on with his life a little easier knowing both their feelings had been shared and considered. He didn’t know if she would return any of the same feelings he felt for her, or if she really just thought of them as friends but a friendship was going to be better than living the rest of his life thinking she hated him. At least she wouldn’t intentionally break his heart this time around, he could be sure of that, she would let him down gently and as hard as it would be to hear, as much as it would hurt, he would respectfully accept her decision.

With a small sigh the dark haired male got to his feet and made his way out of the living room and up to his own room where he had spent most of his days in during the last month. His parents old room now reflected his own taste and apart from one picture frame on the dresser displaying all four of the Ashdown family smiling happily together, and one of his mother’s favorite ornaments there was no other reminder that this had once been their room. Their wardrobe no longer held his parents clothes but his own; he had packed their garments carefully away in boxes along with the rest of their belongings throughout the house. Travis’s room remained untouched out of all of the rooms in the Ashdown estate it was the one room that didn’t need clearing out. He still held a little hope that his brother would one day be able to return with the Clave’s permission and if he wanted to of course.

He didn’t particularly need one but took a shower anyway simply for something to do while he bided his time waiting for Audrina to recoup. The hot shower did give him time to think about how he would begin to tell the blonde how he felt, he had no idea where to start or how to say it all properly. In his head it was simple, easy, he’d thought the words so many times already but getting it out past his lips was going to be the difficult part. ’I love you, Audrina’. There. Easy. But if he could manage to get those four words out would it be enough? Could he offer her enough to want to stay with him and love him back?

Those thoughts ran through his mind over the next few hours as he finished his shower and dressed in his usual outfit of jeans and a t-shirt; went back down to the living room to stoke the fire, keeping the house just warm enough to be comfortable; and occupied himself a little longer by flicking through a book or two on Demons that he had read many times already before he made his way into the kitchen as the sun began to set to prepare something for dinner.

I think I want you more than want
I know I need you more than need
I want to hold you more than hold
When you stood in front of me
I think you know me more than know
And you see me more than see
I could die now more than die
Every time you look at me

Eli had yet to hear a peep from Audrina, not even the shuffles of footsteps above to indicate that she might have been up and ready to talk to him again, as he searched the fridge for viable ingredients to make dinner. He hadn’t been to the market in a few days, a little afraid if he left the house at all she wouldn’t be here when he returned. After a few good minutes of rifling through the fridge he found some eggs, milk, cheese, an onion, and a tomato which gave him the idea to make an omelette. He knew he could pull an omelette off easy and he had made this for Audrina once before and she hadn’t complained.

He was just pouring the mixture into the pan when Audrina made her appearance in the doorway, he guessed that he hadn’t heard her approach because of the sizzle of cooking eggs and only noticed her when he turned from the stove to grab the salt and pepper from the small island bench in the middle of the kitchen. He forgot about the salt and pepper as she stepped a little further into the room, there was something in her gaze that hinted she was about to say something and he shouldn’t speak in case it distracted her from what she wanted to say. When she started speaking he couldn’t help but think ‘this is it’, this was the moment she was going to tell him that she only wanted to friends. For some reason, as much as he hoped for it, the thought that maybe she would return his feeling never crossed his mind then.

His heart beat a little faster in anticipation and he was preparing himself to take the blow as he nodded, the only response he gave for her to continue with what she wanted to say. However when she dropped her gaze he thought maybe he should have said something first and quickly stepped around the island counter taking a deep breath to prepare his own speech and was just about to open his mouth when the blonde looked up at him again. He quickly shut his mouth as she started speaking though, slowly letting out the breath he’d taken in.

He slowly began to shake his head, completely forgetting that the egg mixture was now burning in the pan, he’d told himself he could handle the ‘let’s be friends’ speech but now as he thought it was coming he didn’t want to hear it. So focused was he on the worst outcome he was listening but not actually hearing what she was saying and perhaps if he had been concentrating better on what she was saying the tightness in his chest and the ache in his heart wouldn’t be so painful. If he had been listening properly he wouldn’t feel so dreadful inside. When Audrina paused to take a breath and possibly give him the chance to say something in return he was struggling to find the proper response, everything inside him didn’t want to accept only ‘friendship’ although he’d told himself he would respect her decision regardless of how he felt.

“I’m glad I could help you get through the pain from your past, and I will always be here for you if you need me but I don’t want to just be ‘friends’. I want more than that, and I never thought I would ever want such things with anyone -not even with you, in the beginning, but I do -” He said after she had finished speaking, her words not registering in his mind as quickly as they might have if he hadn’t been so focused on the negative outcome of this conversation. He’d completely missed the part where she had said I’m in love with you, but it was the puzzled expression on her face after he’d spoken that made him pause and take a moment to hear her words again properly in his head. “I’m in love with you, Elijah, and I want to feel everything that goes along with that. I want you to kiss me and I don’t want you to stop….”

“Wait...what?” He blinked as it slowly began to dawn on him that she wasn’t giving him the ‘friendship’ speech after all. Never in his life had he felt quite as ridiculous as he did now standing in the middle of his kitchen with the woman he loved declaring her love for him whilst their omelettes burned in the background and he’d just totally ruined the moment. His heart skipped a beat as he stood staring at her, her words replaying in his head just one more time before a slow grin spread across his lips as he realised one important fact. “I got the girl.” He said unbelievingly.

"Oh shit!" He exclaimed quickly afterwards as the smell of something burning finally caught his attention and spun around back towards the pan that was now blackened with burnt egg mixture. He turned the stove off and picked up the pan in one swift movement, bringing the pan into the sink and turning on the water to stop the contents burning further. It was not the reaction he wanted to give upon realising that Audrina had just told him that she loved him and he knew it certainly wouldn't be what she was expecting. Eli turned back around after shutting off the tap after a few seconds of it running and was relieved to find Audrina still standing there.

"I'm sorry. Can we start again?" He offered apologetically and slowly moved closer to her. "I wasn't as suave as I wanted to be if you ever said those words to me." Eli explained. Her expressions of love were totally unexpected and had surprised him, but now it was all sinking in and his heart raced in elation now rather than fear.

And your eyes are in your eyes
And my heart's in our hearts
Sometimes words just ain't enough
For this love that's more than love

[Yunalesca]

She was eager to hear him return her affections, say anything that would make her fear subside, but it didn't come as he practically spoke over her saying something about 'friendship'. Her brows furrowed and her chest heaved slightly as the pain that had subsided returned to clench tightly around her heart. She finally admitted to emotion, finally come to terms with the fact she loved him and all he could say was he wanted to be friends? Her mind faltered which nearly caused her body to stagger and her hand reach for the counter top to steady herself before she stopped to think about what he said. I can't be friends echoed most sharply and she turned a confused frown to him. Did he not hear her, she began to wonder. Would she have to conjure all that courage once more to make him hear her?

But then he did just as she had and reflected on what she had said and his expression changed. She watched him carefully and with a small amount of guard as a plethora of expressions fluttered through his eyes as he looked to her before speaking. When the first words were uttered from his lips she almost felt herself laugh as he seemed to be mystified by the fact she had come to love him. Hadn't he always been the one to get any woman he wanted? The thought alone almost made her nervous as she wondered if maybe this would be the moment he would drop her, but he quickly turned away to stop the burning of what she presumed to be dinner, then turned back to her with an expression bordering as disbelief while he stumbled over himself to explain.

Despite the lingering fear she made herself remain there as he approached then requested to start this from the beginning. She had never known him to frazzle or not know what to say, but this time he did seem to be at a loss for words as though this was entirely from left field. Was it possible the man she felt desire for and never imagined she would want him in return? It seemed ridiculous, but based on his attitude currently she couldn't overlook the possibility. Swallowing every apprehension she felt she stepped toward him.

"You're strain to be suave was what turned me off from the get go, Elijah. I'm in love with you," she reiterated as she stopped just in front of him, looking up at him with vulnerability but unable to guard herself. "If you feel the same, you'll shut up and do what I asked of you initially. If you love me, there will be time to talk about it later. I need to feel you right now, not hear an explanation." She almost demanded of him, not backing down from her offer. She felt confident he felt the same with how he was acting, but she wasn't in the mood for words right then. She was afraid if she didn't let herself fall into these feelings she would never have them again. The memory of her dream was pulsing strong in her mind as she stood before him, on the verge of blurting outright that she needed him to take her. She had never had these feelings for anyone else and so didn’t know how to navigate this gracefully.

It was her hope that when she came forward to him, accepted what she wanted to happen, that he would get it without her having to spell it out for him. She didn’t know how these things worked and there was a little part inside her afraid of how this would go down, but she wouldn’t give in to it. She knew what she felt and wouldn’t back down from it now. Her hand itched to reach out and pull him into her, force him to kiss her as she asked, but she restrained herself. As dominant as a person she had been, she couldn’t find it in herself now to take charge. Ever since she had come onto his doorstep she had taken a backseat to decisions, leaving him in charge with what happened and she didn’t want to change it now. She wanted to know he felt something for her, wanted to see him express it without her forcing him to.

[Serendipity]

Eli had only ever played this scenario out in his head and it had only ever been successful in his dreams, and in his dreams he hadn’t screwed it up and would definitely be kissing her by now. She had said she loved him. Audrina the woman who had pushed and pushed him away, and had been so certain that she would never - could never- let anyone into her heart had finally torn down all her walls, and he was the one they had come down for. It was something that made his heart swell further with his own feelings of love for her, and knowing his efforts hadn’t been wasted after all.

It was still sinking in that he had ‘got the girl’ when she took a step towards him closing some of the distance that still lied between them. Despite her admittance of affection towards him and even though she had told him she wanted to kiss him there was still a part of him that cautioned his want to grab her and kiss her until they both couldn’t breathe and had to come up for air. Eli had always been very aware that Audrina hadn’t been with anyone before, and he had been the only one she had ever kissed and those times he had either tricked her into doing it or did so without her permission. He didn’t want to get too far ahead of himself this needed to be slow steps, he thought she would need small doses of intimacy before they ended up in bed together and he was okay with that.

It appeared he had thought wrong. From the look in her eyes as she spoke with her usual imperious tone, telling him that he needed to shut up and kiss her if he felt the same way towards her as she had admitted she did for him. There was still a glimpse of vulnerability in her eyes though too and if he didn’t act quickly, if he didn’t do as she said to prove that he loved her too then it could all be over for good. He understood what she was asking and this time he didn’t need to be told twice. “Are you always going to be this bossy?” He asked as he took the last step and eliminated the small gap that had still been between them. He had a feeling the answer was going to be yes; she liked to be bossy and he liked to push those boundaries, that would probably never change.

With the gap now gone between them she had to tilt her head to look up at him and it was the perfect opportunity for him to do exactly as had demanded of him and kiss her. Eli’s hands came to rest gently on either side of her hips so she knew he had every intention of doing as she asked but first he needed to say those three little words out loud to her, he needed to hear what they sounded like on his lips and to see her eyes light up when they were spoken. His thumbs gently stroked her hips and he locked his gaze with hers, the smallest of smiles turning the corners of his mouth before he, finally, spoke those three little words he had so desperately wanted to say to her for a very long time now. “I love you.” The dark haired male said before he was kissing her, one hand sliding up from her hip to around her back as his mouth lowered to her lips.

He let his mouth linger softly over hers for a moment as though he was waiting for her to protest and admittedly the tiniest part of him was considering the last time he had kissed her hadn’t gone down so well. But after a few seconds had passed and he felt her press herself into him rather than pull away he added more pressure to the kiss ensuring there was no gap between their lips anymore. His pulse was racing now along with his heart, this was what he’d wanted for so long and he was almost afraid of it all falling apart with one wrong move. Eli had been with his fair share of women -not as many as some would think- and he knew what he was doing, but so had they. This time however it was Audrina’s first time and knowing he would be the one to guide her through it scared the hell out of him but also made him acknowledge that this was something special they could have together.

The kitchen was not the place to proceed with this type of intimacy and he was sure Audrina would be far more comfortable on a soft mattress. Dinner was clearly forgotten by this stage as he broke the kiss just long enough to scoop her up into his arms and for the two of them to take a breath. The moment her arms wrapped around his neck he was kissing her again, his tongue gently slipping into her mouth promising her more. Thankfully because of his Shadowhunter gene’s and the fact that he knew this house like the back of his hand Eli didn’t need to see where he was going to navigate the both of them up the stairs and into his room all the while still kissing her.

He couldn’t get enough of the feeling of her lips against his, the taste of her, and her tongue tentatively exploring his mouth in return. He was sure he had made a few soft sounds of pleasure during the journey from the kitchen to his room and had heard her soft moans mingling with his. He still managed to hold her up even as he used one hand to open the door to his room, he kicked it open a touch with his foot so they could slip through before he was doing the same again with the back of his heel this time so it would close. It was only then that he let her slip slowly back down to her feet, keeping one arm still around her waist and brining the other up to the back of her neck. His mouth broke from hers again but only to trial soft kisses along her jaw so she could catch her breath again and slowly down her neck.

“I love you, Audrina.” He murmured against her neck, his fingers gently curling into the back of her hair. “I want to show you how much I love you.” Eli said, leaving feather like kisses against her skin. In a small way he was also making sure that this was what she wanted, that she knew what was to come and what it would mean.

[Yunalesca]

A few heartbeats of time passed before he spoke again, closing that last little bit of space between them. Are you always going to be this bossy? came which made the muscles around her mouth twitch to express a smile, but it only reflected in her eyes before his hands found her hips to send shocks of tingling through her. The mirth that had been in her gray eyes quickly disappeared to be replaced with a mixture of animalistic desire and innocent ignorance of how to proceed from here. Would this happen here? Would she be able to handle it emotionally? What was he waiting for? All were questions that flurried through her mind as he stood there with his hands on her, stroking her skin through the fabric of her jeans before a content smile pulled at his mouth. It was only then that she learned what he had been waiting for and it all felt worth it as those three words were finally said, her breath escaping her as the weight of it coated her. She felt a warmth flutter through her before his mouth came down on hers at last and every thought she’d had was washed away.

He was so gentle at first, as though he wasn’t sure she wanted this, but she pressed her frame against his while her hands came up to his neck and hair to silently urge him on. They had done this before, but this time it was different, it was mutual desire and there was no more tip toeing around the facts. She was in love with him and unafraid to show it. Finally her own voice whispered in her mind moments before he broke from her and her eyes popped open with some surprise. Had she done something wrong? Was he having second thoughts? Both questions sparked a jolt of fear before he was picking her tiny body up into his arms and kissing away her worries once more. As though it were the most natural thing in the world, her arms adjusted to wrap around his neck while her whole mind was focused on the taste of him, the reality of what was finally happening.

White hot heat was spreading through her as she couldn’t hold back the little noises he pulled from her just by kissing her. She remembered the passionate kiss they had shared once in the bedroom before she pulled away in feeling it was all a mistake, but that could hardly compare to this. Their mouths worked together in synchrony even as he managed to open his bedroom door without having to adjust her, loving and promising of what she knew was to come. Everything about this was new and she couldn’t find an ounce of reservation in taking the leap. She had spent so much of her life lurking in the shadow of caution when it came to emotions, but in this moment she was out in the open and his for the taking. Eli her mind sighed before he broke from her and lowered her to her own feet once more.

Her arms stayed wrapped about his neck and she had to rely on him for support as his lips moved from her lips to her jaw, then her neck. Her heart began to race even faster, her breaths coming in quick succession to keep up before her forehead found his collarbone. All she could think about was how to breathe as her body felt paralyzed against him, sensations overloading her mind with each soft kiss against her skin. Nobody had ever done this to her, it was so much for her to handle, but he broke her from her trance with the sound of his voice. A sharp gasp escaped her as he spoke before her fingers managed to twirl into his hair while her knees threatened to buckle. She heard the silent question in his words and it almost made her cry in admiration. Do you want this? she could hear his voice in her mind, asking her one last time to be sure he wasn’t moving too fast. The old Audrina might have pulled away to let herself think, she could hardly do so with his arms wrapped around her, but the new Shadowhunter that admitted her feelings for him wouldn’t dare to part from him.

“I don’t want you to stop,” she managed to whisper in his ear before she found strength in her limbs again, just enough to stand a little firmer on her feet and backpedal slowly toward the bed she knew to be there somewhere. When the back of her legs hit the bed she felt a spark of fear for one instant, head lifting from his chest to look at him, but seeing those eyes were all she needed. She had never done this before and was afraid of the pain that could come, that he might mistake her for experienced and ravage her as mature lovers did, but in his blue eyes she saw he wouldn’t do that. She had never told him, but she could read in his eyes that he knew.

She swallowed back the fear before her eyes began to close, head tilting upward to match her lips to his. She kissed him with expression of love, desire, and hope as she finally began to lower herself to the bed, pulling him with her. “Eli,” she broke from him momentarily to say, voice sighing his name while her hands sifted through his hair affectionately. This is happening she thought without a sign of fear before she dipped her head to kiss him again, warmth spreading through her veins as she tasted him. She moaned softly at the feel of him over her, the position intimate and yet not intimidating to her as it once had been. I want this, her mind pressed into her kiss to reassure him once more. He was incredibly delicate with her, but she didn’t want him to stop at every step to ask her if she wanted to proceed. I want this she thought once more before taking a short breath from his mouth, his lungs. "I love you," she managed to say during a break, her voice full of conviction and heady desire.

[Serendipity]

He had wanted this for so long and now that it was finally happening he almost couldn’t believe it, but that small uncertainty quickly disappeared once she pressed her body into his, as her hands came up to sink into his hair and her lips responded under his. Audrina had never told him that she’d never been with anyone intimately; she’d never had to speak the words for him to know, it had reflected in her gaze whenever he had stolen an impromptu kiss. Behind that angry glare of hers there had been that innocents and along with the fact that she had always shied from human contact wherever possible it wasn’t hard to guess. He had once thought it strange that had shied away from intimacy but that was before he had gotten to know her and understood why.

Now, now he was grateful for it, pleased that he would be her first, and she would be his entirely. But with the gift of her innocence posed the risk that he could, unwittingly, hurt her if she wasn’t ready. Eli would never forgive himself though if he hurt her, she had been hurt too much in her life already and he didn’t want to add to that list by moving too quickly with her, by overstepping her personal boundaries. As he’d carried her up the stairs to his room she hadn’t protested, instead her mouth had locked more firmly with his and her arms pulled tighter around his neck but even as he body responded under his touch, he needed to be sure that this was what she truly wanted which was the reason behind his silent question once they were in his room. Of course he was taking a risk by asking it because it gave her pause to think it but he wanted her to be sure and so it was the risk he took.

Eli kept a firm grip around her waist as he felt her melt further against him as his mouth continued to gently assault the side of her neck, feeling her quiver in his arms. He couldn’t help but smile at the notion that he could make her weak at the knees with just a few simple kisses.
’I don’t want you to stop.’ He heard her whisper and then he was the one quivering as the words caressed his ear. He felt her straighten in his arms and begin to move backwards towards the bed, he didn’t resist her pull and with one arm still around her slender waist and his mouth still leaving soft kisses along her neck he helped guide her to where she intended for them to end up.

His head lifted from the crook of her neck to look into her eyes once the back of her knees hit the bed, he saw no hesitation reflecting in her smokey greys and it was all he needed, he would not need to ask her again. It was clear what she wanted, it was what they both wanted - needed. His own gaze reflected not only his desire for her but also his love, and held the promise of gentleness. As their lips met again and she pulled them both down to the edge of the bed he was careful to keep his full weight off of her as she continued to lower herself to the mattress. His body shifted to accommodate her beneath him, one hand moved to sink into her hair whilst the other came to cradle her hip.

The sound of his name on her lips caused the warmth that had grown in his chest to spread quickly to his lower extremities and he moaned, his mouth finding hers again so his tongue could explore the soft buds of her lips before venturing further to taste the hot silkiness of the inside of her mouth, moaning softly again as her own tongue met with his. She tasted like warm sunshine and sweeter than anything he had tasted before, it was slightly intoxicating like a drug he knew he could become easily addicted too. It was only as Audrina broke the kiss that he realised he too needed to breath but hearing her speak and tell him she loved him again knocked the breath right back out of him. Would he ever get enough of hearing her say it or less surprised each time?

Carefully he adjusted himself onto his elbows so he could look down at her, the smallest grin forming over his lips as he saw the flush grow warmer on her cheeks and he lowered his head next to her ear. “Say that again,” He whispered, his lips caressing a sensitive spot just behind her ear. He wanted to hear her say those words just once more before they both became lost in each other, and not to mention he very much liked the way it sounded coming from her. Eli shifted his weight to one elbow alone as he waited for her to oblige him not being able to resist the need to feel the warmth of her skin under his hand; he found the edge of her top, his fingers then his hand slowly slipping beneath it. Her skin felt soft and warm as he had only imagined it would, but it was better than what he had imagined because it was real this time.